2000-2004 2005-2009 2010 - 2014 2015 - onwards  

Woodman Quotes & Heckles

Updated
13 May 2017

If  you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.
Paul Matthews acknowledges Derry Jones' surgical skills


Woodman 12/5/17
Derry delays Velvet Green's second song as he removes a troublesome effects box, which had been buzzing, from the cables running just below the stage.

Paul: "Derry has just performed an Effectectomy"
Dick Woodhouse clears up a long held misunderstanding for Derry Jones

Woodman 10/03/17
Dick: "Did you know that Trafalgar spelt backwards is Raglafart?"

Derry: " I always thought they were a Canadian folk band!"
Derry Jones comes in with a timely comment about Bryn Phillips' song "The London Necropolis Railway"



Woodman 10/03/17
Bryn: "....and the chorus goes,
They say that the trains run dead on time
To Brookwood cemetery at the end of the line
It was the biggest burial ground in the world at the time
Riding on the London Necropolis Railway"

Derry: "Can I just say that it's the only train that's always on time, but most of the passengers are late"
Amit Dattani of Mellow Peaches, encourages audience participation, but not to the extent that Paul Bedingfield suggested

Woodman 24/02/17
Amit: "This is an old blues song about fornication. If you know the words, sing along."

Paul: "I don't know the words, but I can do the actions"
Amit Dattani of Mellow Peaches discovers that time flies by at the Woodman, thanks to Derry Jones

Woodman 24/02/17
Amit: "Believe it or not we've been playing together for 14 years now ..."

Derry: "It only seems like 45 minutes"

Amit: "Time Flies"
Dick Woodhouse voices his appreciation of Paul Bedingfield's jokes

Woodman 9/12/16
Paul: "I've got good news for you all. I haven't got a new joke tonight"

Dick: "I hope that doesn't mean we're getting an old one"
Paul Bedingfield wishes Liam Millinship of BarlowCree Good Luck

Woodman 9/12/16
Liam (to audience): "Thank you very much. That's only the second time we've played this."

Paul: "Third time lucky, then"
Derry Jones asks George Sansome of Granny's Attic for clarification regarding the location of Dick's Gig

Woodman 25/11/16
George decided to advertise Dick Woodhouse's upcoming set at Clent Parish Hall but had trouble phrasing “Dick’s Gig”. After the third attempt .....

Derry: "Dicksgig? Isn't that in Belgium?"
Paul Bedingfield and Nick Weston of Mad Jocks and Englishmen discuss restaurant hygiene

Woodman 18/11/16
Nick: "Have you heard that all the restaurants in Disneyland have been closed? They had rats this big" (indicates size as about shoulder height)

Paul: "Are you taking the Mickey?"
Paul Bedingfield advises on not over-praising Jack Blackman's "Roadie"




Woodman 21/10/16
Jack asks his "roadie" to get his harmonica which he had left off-stage in his bag, which he fetches and passes to him:
Jack:"Thank you - let's give him a big round of applause!"

Paul: "Don't build him up too much, he might harp on about it"
Corinne Priest announces a song she is familiar with.

Woodman 23/09/16
Corinne: "I've been away on holiday and so we're going to do a song that I'm familiar with

...... What's it called, Barry?"
Keith Donnelly threatens to sue Velvet Green, but the threat is immediately negated by Sue Matthew's counter sue.

Woodman 6/5/16
Paul: "This is a song I wrote that Malcolm Jeffries said is the nearest thing to a Waterfall song that he'd heard"

Keith: "I'll Sue"

Sue: "No, I'm Sue"
Derry Jones advises Gary Wilcox to abandon his plan of memorising the faces of the Woodman audience.

Woodman 08/04/16
Gary: "Don't think you can get away with sneaking off in the interval - we want you to stay for the second half. If you go, we'll know; I've memorised your faces.

Derry: "Careful, You'll have nightmares."
Steve Tilston congratulating Paul Bedingfield on his good fortune.


Woodman 18/3/16
After various remarks about his closely shaved haircut fail:
Paul: "I'm at an age when I don't care (paraphrased) what anybody thinks"

Steve: "That's fortunate"
Derry Jones answers a question that has been puzzling Andrew Cadie of Broom Bezzums for some time

Woodman 26/2/16
Andrew: "We've played in all sorts of venues where people have always got up and danced. The only venues where they don't get up are Folk Clubs. I've always wondered why that is."

Derry: "Arthritis"
Rob O'Dell is quick to spot Pete Boddis' attempt to drum up business when Emma Richards apologizes for taking John's spare guitar strap.

Woodman 22/1/16
John Richards is changing his guitar strap when Emma apologises for taking his only spare
Emma: "Sorry Dad I didn't think I'd taken your only spare strap"
Pete: " Buy another one!!"
Rob: "Says the man who owns a music shop"
Derry Jones thinks he was born too young to know Phil Evans reference, but Rob O'Dell puts him right

Woodman 9/1/16
Phil: "Chris Isaaks had a big hit with this song in the early nineties; some of you might remember it.
Derry: "A bit before my time I'm afraid"
Rob: "No Derry, not the eighteen nineties"
Brooks Williams is offered help from Les Jones when he forgets his opening line after discussing Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent


Woodman 27/11/15
<Following on from Bryn's "Dark Cloud Rising>
Brooks: "I'd like to make a comment regarding Bryn's attempt at an American accent ..... it brings to mind Dick Van Dyke"
<various hilarious comments regarding Dick Van Dyke, were followed by a memory failure at the start of the next song>
Brooks: "Does anyone have a line for me ??"
Les: "Chim Chim Cheree"
Dick Woodhouse questions Ken Powell's ambition to play the banjo.
Woodman 21/11/15
Ken: "You may have noticed that I have a banjo behind me on the stage. I've always wanted to play the banjo ......."
Dick: "Why??!?"
Rob O'Dell and Mike Silver discuss a mellowed Woodman audience

Woodman 30/10/15
Mike: " I put on Facebook that the Woodman audience always lets the artist know who's boss, but you're very quiet tonight."
Rob: "We've mellowed"
Mike: "With age? You know what they say - 'Older and wider'"
Paul Bedingfield offers some helpful stool purchasing advice to John Hoare


Woodman 9/10/15
After John had spent a little while getting comfortable on Les' bar stool, Paul offers a helpful suggestion -
Paul: "What you need to get is a special stool with a locator bump in the middle"
John: "I don't go to the same online shops as you, Paul"
Rob O'Dell suggests to Damien Barber where he can find the welkin.



Woodman 19/9/15
Damien Barber was giving a complicated explanation of one of the definitions of "welkin"
Damien: "in medieval times the welkin was regarded as one of the many levels of heaven. It could be up here, or down there ... in fact I don't know where the welkin is...."
Rob: "In the hillside!"
Paul Bedingfield offers a succinct summary to Kip Wilson's introduction to "Still Life In The Old Dog Yet"

Woodman 12/6/15
Kip: "He wanted to be a plumber and spent all of his redundancy money on a training course. Unfortunately, after he finished his course he found that there were no jobs available."

Paul: "A bit of a pipe dream then"
Terry Bonham making a valiant attempt to guess the third line of Bob Fox's A-Level chorus



Woodman 8/5/15
Bob; "The first line is "Nailed his colours to the mast" and the second line is "Nailed his colours to the mast", and the third line is ......
Terry: "Let me guess ..."
Bob:"Be careful .. the third line is always different"
Terry: "Go on then"
Bob: "Nailed his colours to the mast"
Terry: "I would have been close!"
Nick Dow appreciating Paul Bedingfield's ready wit.

Woodman 27/3/15
Nick (Starting Song): "I'm a man of striking appearance .... hang on, I'll just put my guitar down..."
Paul: "I see what you mean!"
Nick: "I like a ready wit. Tell me when yours is ready."
Keith Judson's comment sails by Clive Carroll



Woodman 20/3/15
Clive: "You should really look out for this band; it's got Rafa in it's name.."
Keith: "Rafa? There's a boat moored outside with that name"
Clive: Really?!"
Keith:<Laughs>
Clive: "Sorry! That one sailed right over my head"
Derry Jones finally discovers the cause of the humming that had been bothering Sarah Smout of the Gren Bartley Band

Woodman 6/3/15
Following several attempts by Derry  to cure the humming that was coming from Sarah's monitor, Gren launched into a discussion regarding his stage wardrobe.

Gren: "I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I've worn the same shirt to my gigs for the past five years ..."

Derry: "Ahh! That's what the humming is!"
Dave Kennedy and Steve Wegrzynski discussing the fate of old rockers


Woodman 13/02/15
After some foot stomping guitar playing from Dave in "Byker Hill"

Steve: "He's a rocker in his other life"

Dave: "Us rockers don't go away, we just go acoustic"
Paul Bedingfield impressed by Pete Boddis' extensive repertoire

Woodman 6/02/15
Pete: "I was going to do "The First Time I Saw Your Face", but it's already been done, so I'll do this one instead.

Paul "You know three songs??"
Tommy Dempsey and Paul Bedingfield commenting on Nick Evans changing guitars.

Woodman, 16/01/15
Nick, playing in the Tommy Dempsey Band changes his guitar in preparation for taking the vocal lead

Tommy: "Oh look, He's going to play the good guitar now he's accompanying himself!"

Paul: "Is that the guitar that's in tune?"