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Woodman Quotes & Heckles

06 Mar 2022

If  you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.
Dick Woodhouse commenting on the length of Chris Irving's banjo solo

Woodman 04/03/22
Chris Irving pomised a banjo solo and then plucks a single note

Chris: That was my banjo solo
Dick: Too long!
Paul Bedingfield discussing procrastination

Woodman 07/06/19
"This song is about procrastination. If any of you aren't sure what it means, let me know, and I'll tell you tomorrow"
Bob Kemp applauds John Hoare's comment about Carol

Woodman 25/05/19
John: "It's nice to have Carol back on stage after the operation on her hands. You could say it's the light at the end of the carpal tunnel"

Bob: "You've got to hand it to him"
Paul Bedingfield offering Matt Sayers some useful financial advice

Woodman 03/05/19
Matt: "It looks as though the battery has died in my guitar. I'll have to change guitars."

Paul: "Batteries are cheaper"
Paul Bedingfield being uncharacteristically self-deprecating
Woodman 11/01/19
There are some great folk performers from the North East; Bob Fox, Vin Garbutt, Jez Lowe and of course me.... well there are always exceptions to the rule.
John Hoare clarifies dress code when Paul Downes and Derry Jones discuss the old Woodman venue
Paul: "I played at the old Woodman a couple of time, but I believe it is now a Chinese restaurant."
Derry: "It's a Thai restaurant"
John: "You don't have to wear a tie"
Gerry Colvin encouraging support of live music to a rather full Woodman Folk Club.

Woodman 12/10/18
"It's so important to encourage live music. Now if everyone here tonight would bring a friend along next week ......

..... you wouldn't all fit in"
John Hoare gets Derry Jones thinking

Woodman 12/10/18
John: "There's this tapas bar called La Rana Loca that I used to play at sometimes, but they've closed it down."

Derry: "I wonder why"
Derry Jones comments that Dick Woodhouse is very, very quick

Woodman 28/09/18
Derry: "Who wrote the Ballad of Cursed Anna?"

Dick: "Jonathan Kelly"

Derry: "Dick was faster than Google then!"
Flossie Malavialle reprimands  for complaining about the fretless bass
Woodman 20/07/18
Paul: "This bass has no frets on it"

Flossie: "Stop fretting!"
Sunjay and Derry Jones bare all when discussing a naturist gig

Woodman 16/02/18
Sunjay: " I was booked to do a gig with the naturist society at Alton Towers"

Derry: "I bet you didn't do any covers"

Sunjay: "It was a revealing experience!"
Mark Cole of The Jigantics mention of Egg Nog gave Paul Bedingfield the chance to get in some early Pantomime practice

Woodman 1/12/17
Mark: "When we were at a party after a gig in Holland we started to talk about drinks when of course the conversation turned to Egg Nog"

Paul: "I hope you read the Warninks"
Paul Matthews causes some concern to Derry Jones when he promises to set the mic on fire

Woodman 03/11/17
As Paul prepares for the Velvet Green set he blows into the mic to check it is working.

Derry: "Is it on fire?"
Paul: "No, but it will be at the end of our set!"
Anthony John Clarke makes a shrewd observation about the Woodman Folk Club, prompted by Derry Jones' behaviour on his return from the toilet.

Woodman 29/9/17
When Derry slipped out to the toilet AJC asked us all to sing the Laurel & Hardy theme "Dance of the Cuckoos" on his return. Derry responded admirably by doing a "Ministry of Silly Walks" backwards and forwards in front of the stage.

AJC: "This is the only folk club in the country where self respect does not exist".
Paul Bedingfield confuses Anthony John Clarke's Mickey Dolan impression with Cleo Laine's scat jazz vocals - an easy mistake to make

Woodman 29/9/17
AJC: "When I was young a few of us used to get together and play play covers of the Monkees. I was Mickey Dolenz...."
Followed by an excellent rendition of his early Mickey Dolenz
which left everyone but Paul speechless
Paul: "Sounds more like Cleo Laine to me"
Paul Bedingfield puts a name to Gerry Colvin's obsession with shoes

Woodman 30/06/17
Gerry: "I've got a thing about shoes - I just love them. Especially new shoes; I love the smell of new shoes ... "

Paul: "It's what you call a Footish"
Derry Jones tells Barry Priest to plug his guitar in - then has second thoughts.

Woodman 16/6/17
Derry: "Bas, plug your guitar in!"
Barry: "That's better"
Derry: "That's a matter of opinion"
Derry Jones' likens Ruth Powell's cat's exploits to those of Paul Bedingfield

Ruth: "My cat, Mabel, likes to bring us presents from the garden. She brought us a rat the other day."
Ken: "Yes she is very generous – brings a bird home once a year"
Derry: "Just like Paul then."
Paul Matthews acknowledges Derry Jones' surgical skills

Woodman 12/5/17
Derry delays Velvet Green's second song as he removes a troublesome effects box, which had been buzzing, from the cables running just below the stage.

Paul: "Derry has just performed an Effectectomy"
Dick Woodhouse clears up a long held misunderstanding for Derry Jones

Woodman 10/03/17
Dick: "Did you know that Trafalgar spelt backwards is Raglafart?"

Derry: " I always thought they were a Canadian folk band!"
Derry Jones comes in with a timely comment about Bryn Phillips' song "The London Necropolis Railway"

Woodman 10/03/17
Bryn: "....and the chorus goes,
They say that the trains run dead on time
To Brookwood cemetery at the end of the line
It was the biggest burial ground in the world at the time
Riding on the London Necropolis Railway"

Derry: "Can I just say that it's the only train that's always on time, but most of the passengers are late"
Amit Dattani of Mellow Peaches, encourages audience participation, but not to the extent that Paul Bedingfield suggested

Woodman 24/02/17
Amit: "This is an old blues song about fornication. If you know the words, sing along."

Paul: "I don't know the words, but I can do the actions"
Amit Dattani of Mellow Peaches discovers that time flies by at the Woodman, thanks to Derry Jones

Woodman 24/02/17
Amit: "Believe it or not we've been playing together for 14 years now ..."

Derry: "It only seems like 45 minutes"

Amit: "Time Flies"
Dick Woodhouse voices his appreciation of Paul Bedingfield's jokes

Woodman 9/12/16
Paul: "I've got good news for you all. I haven't got a new joke tonight"

Dick: "I hope that doesn't mean we're getting an old one"
Paul Bedingfield wishes Liam Millinship of BarlowCree Good Luck

Woodman 9/12/16
Liam (to audience): "Thank you very much. That's only the second time we've played this."

Paul: "Third time lucky, then"
Derry Jones asks George Sansome of Granny's Attic for clarification regarding the location of Dick's Gig

Woodman 25/11/16
George decided to advertise Dick Woodhouse's upcoming set at Clent Parish Hall but had trouble phrasing “Dick’s Gig”. After the third attempt .....

Derry: "Dicksgig? Isn't that in Belgium?"
Paul Bedingfield and Nick Weston of Mad Jocks and Englishmen discuss restaurant hygiene

Woodman 18/11/16
Nick: "Have you heard that all the restaurants in Disneyland have been closed? They had rats this big" (indicates size as about shoulder height)

Paul: "Are you taking the Mickey?"
Paul Bedingfield advises on not over-praising Jack Blackman's "Roadie"

Woodman 21/10/16
Jack asks his "roadie" to get his harmonica which he had left off-stage in his bag, which he fetches and passes to him:
Jack:"Thank you - let's give him a big round of applause!"

Paul: "Don't build him up too much, he might harp on about it"
Corinne Priest announces a song she is familiar with.

Woodman 23/09/16
Corinne: "I've been away on holiday and so we're going to do a song that I'm familiar with

...... What's it called, Barry?"
Keith Donnelly threatens to sue Velvet Green, but the threat is immediately negated by Sue Matthew's counter sue.

Woodman 6/5/16
Paul: "This is a song I wrote that Malcolm Jeffries said is the nearest thing to a Waterfall song that he'd heard"

Keith: "I'll Sue"

Sue: "No, I'm Sue"
Derry Jones advises Gary Wilcox to abandon his plan of memorising the faces of the Woodman audience.

Woodman 08/04/16
Gary: "Don't think you can get away with sneaking off in the interval - we want you to stay for the second half. If you go, we'll know; I've memorised your faces.

Derry: "Careful, You'll have nightmares."
Steve Tilston congratulating Paul Bedingfield on his good fortune.

Woodman 18/3/16
After various remarks about his closely shaved haircut fail:
Paul: "I'm at an age when I don't care (paraphrased) what anybody thinks"

Steve: "That's fortunate"
Derry Jones answers a question that has been puzzling Andrew Cadie of Broom Bezzums for some time

Woodman 26/2/16
Andrew: "We've played in all sorts of venues where people have always got up and danced. The only venues where they don't get up are Folk Clubs. I've always wondered why that is."

Derry: "Arthritis"
Rob O'Dell is quick to spot Pete Boddis' attempt to drum up business when Emma Richards apologizes for taking John's spare guitar strap.

Woodman 22/1/16
John Richards is changing his guitar strap when Emma apologises for taking his only spare
Emma: "Sorry Dad I didn't think I'd taken your only spare strap"
Pete: " Buy another one!!"
Rob: "Says the man who owns a music shop"
Derry Jones thinks he was born too young to know Phil Evans reference, but Rob O'Dell puts him right

Woodman 9/1/16
Phil: "Chris Isaaks had a big hit with this song in the early nineties; some of you might remember it.
Derry: "A bit before my time I'm afraid"
Rob: "No Derry, not the eighteen nineties"
Brooks Williams is offered help from Les Jones when he forgets his opening line after discussing Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent

Woodman 27/11/15
<Following on from Bryn's "Dark Cloud Rising>
Brooks: "I'd like to make a comment regarding Bryn's attempt at an American accent ..... it brings to mind Dick Van Dyke"
<various hilarious comments regarding Dick Van Dyke, were followed by a memory failure at the start of the next song>
Brooks: "Does anyone have a line for me ??"
Les: "Chim Chim Cheree"
Dick Woodhouse questions Ken Powell's ambition to play the banjo.
Woodman 21/11/15
Ken: "You may have noticed that I have a banjo behind me on the stage. I've always wanted to play the banjo ......."
Dick: "Why??!?"
Rob O'Dell and Mike Silver discuss a mellowed Woodman audience

Woodman 30/10/15
Mike: " I put on Facebook that the Woodman audience always lets the artist know who's boss, but you're very quiet tonight."
Rob: "We've mellowed"
Mike: "With age? You know what they say - 'Older and wider'"
Paul Bedingfield offers some helpful stool purchasing advice to John Hoare

Woodman 9/10/15
After John had spent a little while getting comfortable on Les' bar stool, Paul offers a helpful suggestion -
Paul: "What you need to get is a special stool with a locator bump in the middle"
John: "I don't go to the same online shops as you, Paul"
Rob O'Dell suggests to Damien Barber where he can find the welkin.

Woodman 19/9/15
Damien Barber was giving a complicated explanation of one of the definitions of "welkin"
Damien: "in medieval times the welkin was regarded as one of the many levels of heaven. It could be up here, or down there ... in fact I don't know where the welkin is...."
Rob: "In the hillside!"
Paul Bedingfield offers a succinct summary to Kip Wilson's introduction to "Still Life In The Old Dog Yet"

Woodman 12/6/15
Kip: "He wanted to be a plumber and spent all of his redundancy money on a training course. Unfortunately, after he finished his course he found that there were no jobs available."

Paul: "A bit of a pipe dream then"
Terry Bonham making a valiant attempt to guess the third line of Bob Fox's A-Level chorus

Woodman 8/5/15
Bob; "The first line is "Nailed his colours to the mast" and the second line is "Nailed his colours to the mast", and the third line is ......
Terry: "Let me guess ..."
Bob:"Be careful .. the third line is always different"
Terry: "Go on then"
Bob: "Nailed his colours to the mast"
Terry: "I would have been close!"
Nick Dow appreciating Paul Bedingfield's ready wit.

Woodman 27/3/15
Nick (Starting Song): "I'm a man of striking appearance .... hang on, I'll just put my guitar down..."
Paul: "I see what you mean!"
Nick: "I like a ready wit. Tell me when yours is ready."
Keith Judson's comment sails by Clive Carroll

Woodman 20/3/15
Clive: "You should really look out for this band; it's got Rafa in it's name.."
Keith: "Rafa? There's a boat moored outside with that name"
Clive: Really?!"
Clive: "Sorry! That one sailed right over my head"
Derry Jones finally discovers the cause of the humming that had been bothering Sarah Smout of the Gren Bartley Band

Woodman 6/3/15
Following several attempts by Derry  to cure the humming that was coming from Sarah's monitor, Gren launched into a discussion regarding his stage wardrobe.

Gren: "I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I've worn the same shirt to my gigs for the past five years ..."

Derry: "Ahh! That's what the humming is!"
Dave Kennedy and Steve Wegrzynski discussing the fate of old rockers

Woodman 13/02/15
After some foot stomping guitar playing from Dave in "Byker Hill"

Steve: "He's a rocker in his other life"

Dave: "Us rockers don't go away, we just go acoustic"
Paul Bedingfield impressed by Pete Boddis' extensive repertoire

Woodman 6/02/15
Pete: "I was going to do "The First Time I Saw Your Face", but it's already been done, so I'll do this one instead.

Paul "You know three songs??"
Tommy Dempsey and Paul Bedingfield commenting on Nick Evans changing guitars.

Woodman, 16/01/15
Nick, playing in the Tommy Dempsey Band changes his guitar in preparation for taking the vocal lead

Tommy: "Oh look, He's going to play the good guitar now he's accompanying himself!"

Paul: "Is that the guitar that's in tune?"