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Woodman Quotes & Heckles 2005-2009

Updated
02 Apr 2015

If  you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.
Terry Bonham, denying ever having embraced Billy and Loz

Woodman 04/12/09

Billy: " It's about a year since we first came to the Woodman 
           and we would like to thank everyone for embracing us 
            ........."
Terry: "We never touched you!"
Billy: "........Especially Terry and his Barracks......... did I say 
           Barracks?"
Emily and Chris of Isambarde have one of those rare "Valerie Wilkins" moments.

Woodman 20/11/09

Emily: "We're still young enough to say that we have never seen Nic Jones perform"

Chris: "We'll always be able to say that - you don't get born earlier as you grow older"

Paul Bedingfield guessing the content of Kenny Speirs surprise telephone call. 

Woodman 13/11/09

Following on from Judy Dinning discussing photos of her grandchildren.
Kenny: "Imagine how I felt to realise I was sleeping with a granny, and then a few weeks later MY son phoned up and guess what he said ...."
Paul: "...... What? He was sleeping with a granny as well?"
Paul Bedingfield and Derry Jones in a tangle of guitar leads on stage

Woodman 13/11/09 

Paul: "Derry has always wanted to be a celebrity chef. Look at all the spaghetti he's made on stage!"

Derry: "That pasta me by"
Bram Taylor with thoughts on Six Packs.

Woodman 6/11/09

Bram explaining that Adam's rib was used to make Eve, "It's not just any rib but the one across the abdomen that holds men's stomachs flat!" 
Derry, "He took six of mine!" 
Bram, "That's how you lost your six pack!"
Barry Priest redefining our understanding of choruses

Woodman 6/11/09

"There are choruses to this one, but they're all different."
Anne Munro speculating on Ian's future.

Woodman 6/11/09
Corrine, after Ian manage to mess up the beginning of a Bica Band song, "What's the matter with you tonight?"
Anne, "He's going into a home if he keeps on like this."
Paul Bedingfield having nun of Trevor's self-deprecation after Keith's generous thanks for a nice introduction.

Woodman 31/10/09

Keith: "Thanks, Trevor, your introductions are nice these days"
Trevor: "Well, I did think of introducing you as the Singing Nun"
Paul: "But he's got out of the habit"
Derry Jones questioning the age of the old man in Bewdley, who inspired Tim Judson's song

Woodman 12/06/09

After making various references to the average age of the audience, the young Tim Judson introduced his next song.
Tim: "This song came from a story I heard from an old man in a pub in Bewdley"
Derry: "How old was he? 40?"
Nick Evans of evanStevens clearing up some confusion for the audience

Woodman 22/05/09

Sue: "If you know this, you can join in"

Murmurs of provisional agreement from the audience

Nick: "Actually, she was talking to me"
Sue Stevens of evanStevens taking the opportunity to confirm the presence of the audience whilst Nick is tuning up

Woodman 22/05/09

Sue: "Now, I've got a chance to stare at the audience"
Terry: "Why? Can't you believe we're here?"
Sue: "Actually I'm really pleased you all turned up!"
Keith: "We didn't know you were on"
Joe Topping causes some debate as he uses an unfamiliar term to describe the Woodman audience, which ends up with him using a more familiar term.

Woodman 8/05/09
Joe:   "I'll finish off with this song as I can see you are quite 
            an eclectic audience."
Terry: "What does that mean?"
Ian:    "That means we're plugged in."
Joe:   "You are possibly one of the silliest audiences I've 
            ever played for."
Kieran Halpin perhaps overestimating the Woodman's legendary chorus singing ability
Woodman 24/04/09
I know you're good at choruses. One of my friends once asked me what the Woodman was like. I said it's one of those clubs where they sing the chorus before you write it.
Sue Matthews (pun of the year award!) - urges Trevor to keep his hair on

Woodman, 17/04/09

Trevor holds up Busby's heron in a surreal fashion during the applause for Chris Matthews

Sue: "Keep your hair on Trevor"

Trevor Durden trying to hit the right note for Lynn

Woodman, 17/04/09

Lynn: "I need a note - can you give me a note Trevor?"

Trevor: "Hummmmmmmmmmm"

Lynn: "Preferably the right note!"
Audience sympathetically commenting on Bryn's leg injury that put him out of action the previous week, as he hobbled onto the stage..

Woodman, 27/03/09

"Break a leg"
"Give it some stick"
"Let's not have a limp performance"

Bryn (safely back in his seat): "I think I got off lightly, there"
Debbie welcoming Derry's sister, Carol, to the club

Woodman, 27/3/09

Debbie: "I'd like to welcome Derry's sister, carol to the club. Derry always gets nervous playing in front of his big sister"

Carol: "Hey! Not so much of the Big" 

Paul Bedingfield clarifying the height of the microphone stand for the benefit of Keith Judson after six foot plus Dick Woodhouse had finished singing

Woodman, 20/03/09

Keith (approaching the mike): Oh! This is Dick height. 

Slight pause while the audience digested what he had just said

Paul: No, I think its head height. 
Chris Matthews questioning the size of Busby's pigeon.

Woodman, 20/03/09

 

Busby produced a full size plastic heron instead of his usual plastic pigeon:

Chris: "Buz, has your pigeon grown?"

Busby: "No - he's just pleased to see you"

Ann Munro & Trevor Durden discuss the relative merits of  banjos and bodhrans, later joined by Mick Bisiker.

Woodman 30/01/09
Ann: "Why do people always make fun of banjos?"

Trevor: "It takes the pressure off bodhrans"

Mick: "You can think of a bodhran as a banjo with the bad bit thrown away"
Paul Bedingfield explaining the total absence of geography teachers to Dave Love
Woodman 23/01/09
Dave: "Are there any teachers in tonight? Specifically, any geography teachers?"

Paul: "No. They all got lost on the way here"
Trevor Durden asking a key question of Dick Woodhouse
Woodman 23/01/09
Dick: "I'm going to have to play this one sitting down"

Trevor: "Why? Is it in a lower key?"

Ian Munro introducing the concept of a schedule to the club.
Woodman 16/01/09
Ian "I'll now introduce the main act. We're not doing too bad - only 9 minutes behind schedule"
Pete: "I didn't know we had a schedule"
Trevor: "Perhaps someone bought him some time management software for Christmas"
Bryn: "...... or a watch"
Bryn Phillips, concerned for Ian Munro's health, as Ian explained why the BICA band were not performing
Woodman 09/01/09
Ian:   "We were going to play, but one of us has been taken ill again."
Bryn: "Is it you?"
Pete Brown, questioning the second prize in the raffle
Woodman 07/11/08
Ian: "The second prize is free admission  to an evening of your choice!"

Pete: "Is that anywhere, or does it have to be here?"

Ian Munro, introducing Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby
Woodman 07/11/08

"Known separately as Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby, and I like you to welcome them tonight, as,  .. ..
.....................Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby."
Anthony John Clarke offering Rachel Hall a heart-felt, self-deprecating, compliment.
Woodman 17/10/08 
After Rachel had finished yet another inspired fiddle introduction to one of his songs, which left the entire audience and AJC in awe ...
Anthony John:
"Sometimes I feel like an extra"
John RIchards & Chris Drinan discussing the more intimate terms of their contract.
Woodman 19/9/08
John: "Our new CD is going to be called 'For Love nor Money'"
Chris: "Actually, our contract says that we play either for Love or Money"
John: "Luckily Ian hasn't ticked the 'Love' box"
Derry Jones questioning Beck Sin's hasty description of the Woodman audience
Woodman 13/6/08
Beck: "My albums sell for 13 on my web site but seeing that you are such a handsome audience you can have them for just  10"
Derry: "She should have gone to Specsavers"
Maggie Brown questioning Ian's request for some barracking
Woodman 23/5/08
Ian: "You are a very quiet audience tonight. With my croaky voice I could do with some barracking."
Maggie: "Why? With your croaky voice you wouldn't be able to answer back"
Paul Bedingfield remarking on the size of Richard & Chrissy's (Blackheart) van, after their compliment to the Woodman Percussion ensemble
Woodman 25/4/08
Chrissy: "The percussion was wonderful - are you coming on tour with us?"
Paul: "The van's big enough!"
Richard: "It has to be to contain her ego"
Audience: "Ooooooh" 
Pete Kelley & Caelen Cross introducing a "Tipton Song"
Woodman 18/4/08
Pete:.... "Let's do a song that nobody knows"
Caelen: "Do I know it?"
Pete:.... "Probably not - it's from Tipton"
Caelen: "It won't have many chords in it then"
Sam McLeod of Flaxenby setting off a trio of tired jokes featuring  Paul Bedingfield and Ian Munro
Woodman 11/4/08
Sam: "I used to work for a tyre company"
Paul: "It must have been a Good Year"
Sam (2 secs later): "You need to tread carefully"
Ian (2hrs later): "Are you on You-Tube?"
Trevor Durden - suggesting an alternative thank-you to Ian Munro, as he and Paul leave the stage.

Woodman 29/2/08

Ian (introducing): "Well, as it's only Paul and Trevor, half of 'Nothing to Prove', I suppose I should introduce them as 'Nothing'. So, a big hand for 'Nothing'"

Ian (thanking): So, it's thank-you to 'Nothing'"

Trevor: "Thanks for 'Nothing', would have been better!"

Busby - gratefully receiving the loan of Ian's guitar
Woodman 1/2/08
"Blimey! it's in tune ............ Well Done!"
Paul Bedingfield ignoring the facts to get his heckle in during Bryn's introduction to "That's no Way to Stop a Train"
Woodman 1/2/08
Having already emphasised that the Brian Wilson in this song is the Peace Activist and not one of the Beach Boys....

Bryn: "... so Brian Wilson lay down across the Train Tracks.."
Paul: "Did he pick up Good Vibrations?"

Ian Munro - Interrupting Sally Barker with an unkind reference to England's Football Team
Woodman 25/1/08
 Talking about coaching children at football

Sally: "I've only got my Level 1 coaching badge"
Ian: "That would be good enough for England"
Steve Walker - on Trevor Durden's introduction for Bob Curry.
Woodman 7/12/07
Trevor: "I'd like you to welcome Bob Curry and his glamorous assistant"
Steve:  "That narrows it down a bit"
Ian Munro - Clarifying the position re pantomime tickets
Woodman 23/11/07
If you haven't got your tickets for the pantomime yet, it's because I haven't printed them.
Pete Brown - correcting Sue with a surreal observation
evanStevens Woodman 23/11/07
Sue:  "If we do more in this half, it will leave less for us to do in the second half"
Pate: " It won't be a half, then"
Ian Munro Explaining his singers' night strategy
Woodman 9/11/07
Ian: "I've tried to get everyone on early-ish but there are so many people, someone has got to go last ......................
Does that make sense?"
Audience: "NO!!!!"
Wildfire - during the introduction of a song
Woodman 9/11/07
Robin: "I haven't heard this before"

Alistair: "I haven't played it before"

Clive Gregson - after a long and very intricate guitar break
Woodman 2/11/07
If it's worth doing, it's worth over-doing
Christine Gregory
Woodman 2/11/07
Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it
Lin - Clarifying a point for Trevor during their performance.
Woodman 26/11/07
Trevor: "What's the chorus, Lin?"

Lin: "The chorus is the bit that comes between the verses"
Emma Richards, commenting on fatherly concern as she leaves the stage.

Woodman 12/10/07

John: "Hey, watch my beer!"

Emma: "Notice that it wasn't 'Look out darling, don't trip on 
               the steps'....." 
John Westoby - Giving an honest answer to Steve Walker after Bryn and Steve had performed Whitehorse Blues, enthusiastically assisted by the audience on maracas, eggs and assorted shakers.

At the bar - Woodman 5/10/07
John: "I liked White Horse Blues, I thought you played it well"

Steve: "Thank you. What did you like best - Bryn's guitar or 
              the HARMONICA? Be honest!"

John: "The percussion"
 Ian Munro perhaps needing to choose his words more carefully when replying to Anthony John Clarke
Woodman 14/9/07
AJC: Perhaps I'll finish with this song if that's all right with you, Ian"

Ian: "Yes. Definitely."

AJC:"You couldn't make it up if you tried. That's the folk club equivalent of 'Get Off'."
Anthony John Clarke posing a geographical question during a rendition of "One Night Stand"
Woodman 14/9/07
AJC: "This time in a French Accent"

Audience: "And he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he tookit"

AJC: "What part of France was that? Dudley??"
Ian Munro Thanking Dick Woodhouse after a particularly good set of tunes on his guitar.
Woodman 7/9/07
"There's always an element of satisfaction and pride when you hear someone copying your guitar style"
Paul Bedingfield being disarmingly honest in response to Jo's (Caliko) warning that she might collapse and need a substitute from the audience.
Woodman 4/7/07
Jo: "I've not been too well the last couple of days. I've had a stomach bug and as a result I've hardly eaten anything. So, if I collapse, someone will have to take my place and sit next to John, looking glamorous."

Paul: "Well that lets most of us out, then"
Paul Bedingfield commenting on Nothing to Prove's image
Woodman 22/6/07
You can see we're getting more professional. We're putting the capos in the right position now, before we cock-up.
Trevor Durden informatively answering a rhetorical question raised by Robin whilst commenting on Matt Martin's talents.
Woodman: 1/6/07
Robin:" OK, he's young, he's good looking and he's a talented multi-instrumentalist. But what else has he got?"

Trevor: "Hair" 
Ian Munro, offering a pre-emptive thankyou to Queensberry Rules, cut short by Gary WIlcox.
Woodman:  20/4/07
Ian: "Have you got an encore?"

Gary: "Yes, but we've got another song first!"
Malcolm Jeffrey commenting on Chris'  potentially disastrous request to the Naughty Corner.
Woodman: 13/4/07
Chris: "More percussion please"

Malcolm: "Hmmmm, now that's something you don't hear every week............"
Pete Brown making a geographically correct point to Graham Collins, as he introduced his set
Woodman 13/4/07
Graham: "I haven't been here for a few years. In fact I had a job finding it again."

Pete: "Can't see why. They haven't moved it"
Malcolm Jeffrey Introducing a not-quite James Taylor song
Woodman 13/4/07
After spending a few minutes talking about James Taylor before introducing his next song:
"Although this is not a James Taylor song it's got a lot of the same notes"
Monica delivering what must be the shortest ever version of the iconic 1950's anti-war song by Ed McCurdy
Lighthouse 1/2/07
"Last Night I had the strangest dream .........................
..........................................................................................
...............................it must have been the cheese!"
Derry Jones perhaps not quite on message, after performing 
"A Little Time" with NTP
Woodman 26/1/07
Paul: "Well, the message in that song was pretty clear!"

Derry: "Was it?"
Steve Walker, misinterpreting the audience's call for an encore and being corrected by  Trevor Durden
Woodman 12/01/07
Steve: I usually only do one, but seeing as you've shouted "MORE" I'll do another.

Trevor: We actually shouted "NEXT"
Christine Gregory lifting one of Barry's Introductions from the depths of despair
Woodman 5/01/07
Barry: Introducing a song about growing old: "We all have to get old  ... you can't escape it"
Christine: You may have to grow old but you don't have to grow up!"
Barry Priest introducing a song at the Christmas Pantomime
Woodman 15/12/06
I'm going to do a Christmas song ................. 
No, it's more of a religious song, really.
Ian & Ann Munro - slick as always as they introduce the next band
Woodman 2/12/06 
Ann: "Do you want me to introduce the next act?"
Ian: "Yes, go on then"
Ann: "Alright .................. who are they?"
Chris Drinan introducing his "Country" song. Woodman 17/11/06 Whatever you say about Country Music - you can love it or loathe it - but it always rhymes.
Derry commenting on Keith's guitar playing - Woodman 10/11/06 "He's not a bad picker for a Vicar"
Keith (The Vicar) 
Woodman 10/11/06
"Those of you that know me will be aware that I go to church quite often - it goes with the job"
Steve Haynes - acknowledging some well deserved applause
Woodman 10/11/06
Is that applause, or is everyone slapping their faces to keep awake?
Barry Priest - introducing a song, dedicated to Cath Mundy, whilst being heckled by Trevor Durden
Woodman 13/10/06
Barry: "Seeing Cath heavily pregnant reminded me of when our children were very young. So, this song's for Cath....."
Cath: "Ooooh ..... thank you!"
Trevor: "You haven't heard it yet."
Barry: " .... It's called 'We Stayed Awake'"
Anthony John Clarke - making a reality check during Steve Walker's introduction
Woodman 29/9/06
Steve: "To give you an idea of how good Anthony John Clarke is, Sandra even missed Coronation Street to get here early to see him"
Anthony John: "That's no big deal really - she can always catch up with the omnibus edition on Sunday"
Dave Sealy - with a Cosmotheka reminiscence
Woodman 22/9/06
They were always getting our name wrong. I remember one club organiser introducing us as:
"Cosmo The Ka"
Sue Stevens - Coming up with a new House Rule
Lighthouse 21/9/06
If you want to talk, then talk when people are singing, not when I'm announcing them!
Kieran Halpin - Discussing Jet Lag
Woodman 8/9/06
I got jet lag in Sydney. Well .... I went via Hong Kong and didn't sleep for four nights. 
I think that's jet lag.
Busby Following Keith, Tim, Natalie and Sarah
Woodman 7/7/06
I feel like I'm following the Von Trapp Family
Ian Munro giving a warning to musicians everywhere
Woodman 30/6/06
In the early days I had a tuning fork. I used to bang it against my knee. I've had a gammy leg ever since.
Ian Munro playing "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" with Paul and Debbie taking on Chris Tarrant's role.
Woodman 16/6/06
Ian, finishing his first number after a few stumbles
"I think I've finished."
Paul, " Do you want to phone a friend?"
Debbie, "Or do you want to ask the audience?"
Dave Love
The Olde White Rose, 18/5/06
You mustn't appear to be too slick in a folk club. You don't want to distance yourself from the audience.
Clive Gregson
Woodman 12/5/06
In the second half I'm going to do all of my greatest hits.......
It doesn't last long, but it's good.
Grant Baynham - on becoming aware of the "Naughty Corner".
Woodman 5/5/06
"They've got their own show going on in that corner!"
Trevor Durden - quick as ever - heckling Ian Munro, doing a solo spot without the BICA Band
Woodman 7/4/06
Ian:  "I wasn't going to do this song tonight, it's supposed to 
          be a Band song."

Trev: "It should be!"
A well-travelled Paul Bedingfield answering a question from 
Clive Carroll
Woodman 24/3/06 
Clive: "Has anyone here been to Nashville?"
Paul:  "I've been to Enville!"
Clive: "Close"
Ian Munro quick as a flash to Trevor Durden
Woodman 17/3/06
Trev making an observation after he played a misplaced note (or five) on his mandolin at the beginning of a song 
Trev:
" Sounds like an Ian Munro instrumental"
Ian     "At least I get it wrong in the right key"
Ian Munro, praising Barry Priest as he leaves the stage.
Woodman 17/2/06
Following a particularly spirited version of 
"Live Like You're Dying"
"He must have been taking in air from somewhere else!"
Tom Napper - Linking the Woodman's 35th Anniversary with Bryn's Anchorite song
Woodman 10/2/06 
You're like a bunch of Anchorites here.

...... 35 years of the Woodman folk club
Conversation overheard at the bar between Ian Sutherland, Tom Napper and Paul Bedingfield
Woodman 10/2/06
Ian:" I'm thinking of going to see a band called 'Badgers' tomorrow night - does anyone know what they play?"
Tom: "I think they play Brock and Roll"
Paul: "I don't know, but I hear they do a good sett"
Pete Kelly commenting on Caelen Cross' talents as he picked up his 5 string mandolin.
Woodman 3/2/06
'You've got to be really warped to play the 5 string mandolin.  ...... Caelen is the ideal person because he's really warped!'
Ian Munro stepping into another of Trevor's "quickies", whilst introducing Malcolm Jeffrey
Woodman 28/1/06
Ian: "If you've not seen Malcolm before he usually has an evening to himself around November - ish"

Trevor: "Yes .... Nobody else comes
Jez Lowe referring to the (almost) legendary Woodman percussion section
Woodman 28/1/06
"It's like playing for the Goons ...... I have nightmares like this
....... I'm getting really worried about the song I have planned for the second half. It's about a flatulent horse"
Trevor Durden getting a quick retort from Jez Lowe
Woodman 28/1/06
Jez: "If you come from the North East they expect you to be  big, tough and hairy"
Trevor:" And that's just the women!"
Jez: "Thank you Madam"
George Papavgeris referring to the Woodman percussion section.
Woodman 13/1/06
Never again will I look at a banana or a carrot the same way
Bryn Phillips aka the New Spooner
Woodman 9/12/05
What he should have sang "Made to sweep chimneys"
What he actually sang "Made to cheap swimenys"
Afterwards he said: "I thought I'd got away with it"
Altogether now ....... "No-o-o!!"
Vin Garbutt 
Woodman 4/11/05
"I've been coming to the Woodman since 1971 -
Does that make me the only regular here?"
Steve Tilston
Woodman 15/10/05
"Nowadays I've got to put my glasses on for anything past the seventh fret"
Cath Mundy & Jay Turner commenting on the Woodman Chorus
Woodman 8/10/05
Cath: "You sound like a band of heavenly Koalas"
Jay:    "But you smell better"
Alan Taylor commenting on the age of Mick Harrington's  banjo
Woodman 22/7/05
Mick: This banjo was made in 1911

Alan: Another year and it might have been on the Titanic

Martyn Wyndham-Read
Woodman 22/7/05
I've been coming to the Woodman as an annual event for a long time now. In fact I can work out how old I am by counting the times I have been and then trebling it.
Trevor Durden heckling Hillary Spencer's Yellow Towel
Quicksilver at the Woodman 15/7/05
Hillary:    "This towel was white when we started out"
Trevor: "Three years ago...."
Pete Brown & Trevor Durden making some profound observations as Bryn prepares to perform the Throckmorton Coat. Woodman 15/7/05 Trevor: "No-one, not even a sheep, dies in this song"
Pete:    "The wool dyes, though"

Risky Business being heckled by Mick Harrington. 
Woodman 8/6/05
Ruth: "One fret too high - that makes me sound like Julie Andrews"
Mick "More like Archie Andrews"
Anthony John Clarke
Woodman 24/06/05
I really want to get on the Woodman Quotes and heckles - I've even bought a book of adult humour.
Isambarde - Some toilet humour
Woodman 29/4/05
Chris: "Here's an interesting fact for you,  Did you know that George I died on the toilet?"
Jude - "So you could say he was toppled from his throne!"
Richard Heath poses a reasonable question to Paul
Woodman 15/4/05
After numerous interruptions from a friendly if somewhat unruly audience
Paul: 'They're not putting you off are they Richard?'
Richard: 'Off what?' 
Jim Reynolds 
Woodman 18/3/05
They say that you get gigs by doing floor spots..........
I did mine in 1979
Paul Bedingfield / Clive Carroll
After playing a blistering guitar piece, Clive was changing his guitar to an alternative tuning
Woodman 4/3/05 
Paul: It'll be nice to hear what it sounds like when it's in tune.

Clive: Actually, I'm changing the tuning to Irish Tuning
           G-A-E-L-I-C