|2000-2004||2005-2009||2010 - 2014||2015 - onwards|
Woodman Quotes & Heckles 2005-2009
|If you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.|
Terry Bonham, denying ever having
embraced Billy and Loz
It's about a year since we first came to the Woodman
and we would like to thank everyone for embracing us
Terry: "We never touched you!"
Billy: "........Especially Terry and his Barracks......... did I say
Emily and Chris of Isambarde
have one of those rare "Valerie Wilkins" moments.
"We're still young enough to say that we have never seen Nic Jones
Chris: "We'll always be able to say that - you don't get born earlier as you grow older"
Paul Bedingfield guessing the content of
Speirs surprise telephone call.
|Following on from
Judy Dinning discussing photos of her grandchildren.
Kenny: "Imagine how I felt to realise I was sleeping with a granny, and then a few weeks later MY son phoned up and guess what he said ...."
Paul: "...... What? He was sleeping with a granny as well?"
Paul Bedingfield and Derry Jones
in a tangle of guitar leads on stage
has always wanted to be a celebrity chef. Look at all the spaghetti he's
made on stage!"
Derry: "That pasta me by"
Bram Taylor with thoughts on Six Packs.
|Bram explaining that Adam's rib was used to make Eve, "It's not just any rib but the one across the abdomen that holds men's stomachs flat!"
Derry, "He took six of mine!"
Bram, "That's how you lost your six pack!"
Barry Priest redefining our
understanding of choruses
|"There are choruses to this one, but they're all different."|
Anne Munro speculating on Ian's future.|
|Corrine, after Ian manage to mess up the beginning of a Bica Band song, "What's the matter with you tonight?"
Anne, "He's going into a home if he keeps on like this."
Paul Bedingfield having nun of Trevor's
self-deprecation after Keith's generous thanks for a nice introduction.
"Thanks, Trevor, your introductions are nice these days"
Trevor: "Well, I did think of introducing you as the Singing Nun"
Paul: "But he's got out of the habit"
Derry Jones questioning the age of the old
man in Bewdley, who inspired Tim Judson's song
various references to the average age of the audience, the young Tim Judson
introduced his next song.
Tim: "This song came from a story I heard from an old man in a pub in Bewdley"
Derry: "How old was he? 40?"
Nick Evans of evanStevens clearing up
some confusion for the audience
|Sue: "If you
know this, you can join in"
Murmurs of provisional agreement from the audience
Nick: "Actually, she was talking to me"
Sue Stevens of evanStevens taking the
opportunity to confirm the presence of the audience whilst Nick is tuning
I've got a chance to stare at the audience"
Terry: "Why? Can't you believe we're here?"
Sue: "Actually I'm really pleased you all turned up!"
Keith: "We didn't know you were on"
Joe Topping causes some debate as he
uses an unfamiliar term to describe the Woodman audience, which ends up
with him using a more familiar term.|
"I'll finish off with this song as I can see you are quite
an eclectic audience."
Terry: "What does that mean?"
Ian: "That means we're plugged in."
Joe: "You are possibly one of the silliest audiences I've
ever played for."
Kieran Halpin perhaps overestimating the
Woodman's legendary chorus singing ability|
|I know you're good at choruses. One of my friends once asked me what the Woodman was like. I said it's one of those clubs where they sing the chorus before you write it.|
Sue Matthews (pun of the year award!) -
urges Trevor to keep his hair on
up Busby's heron in a surreal fashion during the applause for Chris
Sue: "Keep your hair on Trevor"
Trevor Durden trying to hit the right
note for Lynn
need a note - can you give me a note Trevor?"
Lynn: "Preferably the right note!"
Audience sympathetically commenting on
Bryn's leg injury that put him out of action the previous week, as he
hobbled onto the stage..
"Give it some stick"
"Let's not have a limp performance"
Bryn (safely back in his seat): "I think I got off lightly, there"
Debbie welcoming Derry's sister, Carol,
to the club
like to welcome Derry's sister, carol to the club. Derry always gets
nervous playing in front of his big sister"
Carol: "Hey! Not so much of the Big"
Paul Bedingfield clarifying the height
of the microphone stand for the benefit of Keith Judson after six
foot plus Dick Woodhouse had finished singing
|Keith (approaching the mike):
“Oh! This is Dick height.”
Slight pause while the audience digested what he had just said…
Paul: “No, I think it’s head height.”
Chris Matthews questioning the size of Busby's
|Busby produced a
full size plastic heron instead of his usual plastic pigeon:
Chris: "Buz, has your pigeon
Ann Munro & Trevor Durden
discuss the relative merits of banjos and bodhrans, later joined by Mick
|Ann: "Why do
people always make fun of banjos?"
Trevor: "It takes the pressure off bodhrans"
Mick: "You can think of a bodhran as a banjo with the bad bit thrown away"
Paul Bedingfield explaining the total
absence of geography teachers to Dave Love|
there any teachers in tonight? Specifically, any geography
Paul: "No. They all got lost on the way here"
Trevor Durden asking a key question of
going to have to play this one sitting down"
Trevor: "Why? Is it in a lower key?"
Ian Munro introducing the concept of a
schedule to the club.|
now introduce the main act. We're not doing too bad - only 9 minutes
Pete: "I didn't know we had a schedule"
Trevor: "Perhaps someone bought him some time management software for Christmas"
Bryn: "...... or a watch"
Bryn Phillips, concerned for Ian
Munro's health, as Ian explained why the BICA band were not performing|
"We were going to play, but one of us has been taken ill again."
Bryn: "Is it you?"
Pete Brown, questioning the second prize in the raffle|
second prize is free admission to an evening of your choice!"
Pete: "Is that anywhere, or does it have to be here?"
Ian Munro, introducing Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby
separately as Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby, and I like you to
welcome them tonight, as, …………….. ..
.....................Cathryn Craig and Brian Willoughby."
|Anthony John Clarke
offering Rachel Hall a heart-felt, self-deprecating, compliment.
|After Rachel had
finished yet another inspired fiddle introduction to one of his songs,
which left the entire audience and AJC in awe ...
Anthony John: "Sometimes I feel like an extra"
|John RIchards & Chris
Drinan discussing the more intimate terms of their contract.
|John: "Our new CD is
going to be called 'For Love nor Money'"
Chris: "Actually, our contract says that we play either for Love or Money"
John: "Luckily Ian hasn't ticked the 'Love' box"
questioning Beck Siàn's hasty description of the Woodman audience
|Beck: "My albums sell
for £13 on my web site but seeing that you are such a handsome audience
you can have them for just £10"
Derry: "She should have gone to Specsavers"
questioning Ian's request for some barracking
|Ian: "You are a very
quiet audience tonight. With my croaky voice I could do with some
Maggie: "Why? With your croaky voice you wouldn't be able to answer back"
|Paul Bedingfield remarking
on the size of Richard & Chrissy's (Blackheart) van, after their
compliment to the Woodman Percussion ensemble
percussion was wonderful - are you coming on tour with us?"
Paul: "The van's big enough!"
Richard: "It has to be to contain her ego"
|Pete Kelley & Caelen
Cross introducing a "Tipton Song"
|Pete:.... "Let's do a
song that nobody knows"
Caelen: "Do I know it?"
Pete:.... "Probably not - it's from Tipton"
Caelen: "It won't have many chords in it then"
|Sam McLeod of
Flaxenby setting off a trio of tired jokes featuring Paul
Bedingfield and Ian Munro
|Sam: "I used to work
for a tyre company"
Paul: "It must have been a Good Year"
Sam (2 secs later): "You need to tread carefully"
Ian (2hrs later): "Are you on You-Tube?"
|Trevor Durden -
suggesting an alternative thank-you to Ian Munro, as he and Paul leave the
"Well, as it's only Paul and Trevor, half of 'Nothing to Prove', I
suppose I should introduce them as 'Nothing'. So, a big hand for
Ian (thanking): So, it's thank-you to 'Nothing'"
Trevor: "Thanks for 'Nothing', would have been better!"
gratefully receiving the loan of Ian's guitar
|"Blimey! it's in tune ............ Well Done!"|
ignoring the facts to get his heckle in during Bryn's introduction to
"That's no Way to Stop a Train"
emphasised that the Brian Wilson in this song is the Peace Activist and
not one of the Beach Boys....
Bryn: "... so Brian Wilson lay down across the
|Ian Munro -
Interrupting Sally Barker with an unkind reference to England's Football
| Talking about
coaching children at football
Sally: "I've only got my Level 1 coaching badge"
Ian: "That would be good enough for England"
|Steve Walker - on
Trevor Durden's introduction for Bob Curry.
|Trevor: "I'd like you
to welcome Bob Curry and his glamorous assistant"
Steve: "That narrows it down a bit"
|Ian Munro -
Clarifying the position re pantomime tickets
|If you haven't got your tickets for the pantomime yet, it's because I haven't printed them.|
|Pete Brown -
correcting Sue with a surreal observation
evanStevens Woodman 23/11/07
|Sue: "If we do
more in this half, it will leave less for us to do in the second
Pate: " It won't be a half, then"
|Ian Munro Explaining
his singers' night strategy
|Ian: "I've tried to get
everyone on early-ish but there are so many people, someone has got to go
Does that make sense?"
|Wildfire - during the
introduction of a song
|Robin: "I haven't heard
Alistair: "I haven't played it before"
|Clive Gregson - after
a long and very intricate guitar break
|If it's worth doing, it's worth over-doing|
|Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it|
|Lin - Clarifying a
point for Trevor during their performance.
|Trevor: "What's the
Lin: "The chorus is the bit that comes between the verses"
commenting on fatherly concern as she leaves the stage.
|John: "Hey, watch my
Emma: "Notice that it wasn't 'Look out darling, don't trip on
|John Westoby - Giving
an honest answer to Steve Walker after Bryn and Steve had performed
Whitehorse Blues, enthusiastically assisted by the audience on maracas,
eggs and assorted shakers.
At the bar - Woodman 5/10/07
|John: "I liked White
Horse Blues, I thought you played it well"
Steve: "Thank you. What did you like best - Bryn's guitar or
the HARMONICA? Be honest!"
John: "The percussion"
| Ian Munro perhaps
needing to choose his words more carefully when replying to Anthony John
|AJC: Perhaps I'll finish
with this song if that's all right with you, Ian"
Ian: "Yes. Definitely."
AJC:"You couldn't make it up if you tried. That's the folk club equivalent of 'Get Off'."
|Anthony John Clarke
posing a geographical question during a rendition of "One Night
|AJC: "This time in a
Audience: "And he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he took it and he tookit"
AJC: "What part of France was that? Dudley??"
|Ian Munro Thanking
Dick Woodhouse after a particularly good set of tunes on his guitar.
|"There's always an element of satisfaction and pride when you hear someone copying your guitar style"|
being disarmingly honest in response to Jo's (Caliko) warning that she
might collapse and need a substitute from the audience.
|Jo: "I've not been too
well the last couple of days. I've had a stomach bug and as a result I've
hardly eaten anything. So, if I collapse, someone will have to take my
place and sit next to John, looking glamorous."
Paul: "Well that lets most of us out, then"
commenting on Nothing to Prove's image
|You can see we're getting more professional. We're putting the capos in the right position now, before we cock-up.|
informatively answering a rhetorical question raised by Robin whilst
commenting on Matt Martin's talents.
|Robin:" OK, he's young,
he's good looking and he's a talented multi-instrumentalist. But what else
has he got?"
|Ian Munro, offering a
pre-emptive thankyou to Queensberry Rules, cut short by Gary WIlcox.
|Ian: "Have you got an
Gary: "Yes, but we've got another song first!"
|Malcolm Jeffrey commenting
on Chris' potentially disastrous request to the Naughty
|Chris: "More percussion
Malcolm: "Hmmmm, now that's something you don't hear every week............"
|Pete Brown making a
geographically correct point to Graham Collins, as he introduced his set
|Graham: "I haven't been
here for a few years. In fact I had a job finding it again."
Pete: "Can't see why. They haven't moved it"
Introducing a not-quite James Taylor song
|After spending a few
minutes talking about James Taylor before introducing his next song:
"Although this is not a James Taylor song it's got a lot of the same notes"
what must be the shortest ever version of the iconic 1950's anti-war song
by Ed McCurdy
|"Last Night I had the
strangest dream .........................
...............................it must have been the cheese!"
|Derry Jones perhaps
not quite on message, after performing
"A Little Time" with NTP
|Paul: "Well, the
message in that song was pretty clear!"
Derry: "Was it?"
misinterpreting the audience's call for an encore and being corrected
by Trevor Durden
|Steve: I usually only do
one, but seeing as you've shouted "MORE" I'll do another.
Trevor: We actually shouted "NEXT"
lifting one of Barry's Introductions from the depths of despair
|Barry: Introducing a song
about growing old: "We all have to get old ... you can't escape
Christine: You may have to grow old but you don't have to grow up!"
|Barry Priest introducing
a song at the Christmas Pantomime
|I'm going to do a Christmas
No, it's more of a religious song, really.
|Ian & Ann Munro -
slick as always as they introduce the next band
|Ann: "Do you want me to
introduce the next act?"
Ian: "Yes, go on then"
Ann: "Alright .................. who are they?"
|Chris Drinan introducing his "Country" song. Woodman 17/11/06||Whatever you say about Country Music - you can love it or loathe it - but it always rhymes.|
|Derry commenting on Keith's guitar playing - Woodman 10/11/06||"He's not a bad picker for a Vicar"|
|Keith (The Vicar)
|"Those of you that know me will be aware that I go to church quite often - it goes with the job"|
|Steve Haynes -
acknowledging some well deserved applause
|Is that applause, or is everyone slapping their faces to keep awake?|
|Barry Priest -
introducing a song, dedicated to Cath Mundy, whilst being heckled
by Trevor Durden
|Barry: "Seeing Cath
heavily pregnant reminded me of when our children were very young. So,
this song's for Cath....."
Cath: "Ooooh ..... thank you!"
Trevor: "You haven't heard it yet."
Barry: " .... It's called 'We Stayed Awake'"
|Anthony John Clarke -
making a reality check during Steve Walker's introduction
|Steve: "To give you an
idea of how good Anthony John Clarke is, Sandra even missed Coronation
Street to get here early to see him"
Anthony John: "That's no big deal really - she can always catch up with the omnibus edition on Sunday"
|Dave Sealy - with a
|They were always getting our
name wrong. I remember one club organiser introducing us as:
"Cosmo The Ka"
|Sue Stevens - Coming
up with a new House Rule
|If you want to talk, then talk when people are singing, not when I'm announcing them!|
|Kieran Halpin -
Discussing Jet Lag
|I got jet lag in Sydney.
Well .... I went via Hong Kong and didn't sleep for four nights.
I think that's jet lag.
Keith, Tim, Natalie and Sarah
|I feel like I'm following the Von Trapp Family|
|Ian Munro giving a
warning to musicians everywhere
|In the early days I had a tuning fork. I used to bang it against my knee. I've had a gammy leg ever since.|
playing "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" with Paul and Debbie
taking on Chris Tarrant's role.
|Ian, finishing his first number
after a few stumbles
"I think I've finished."
Paul, " Do you want to phone a friend?"
Debbie, "Or do you want to ask the audience?"
The Olde White Rose, 18/5/06
|You mustn't appear to be too slick in a folk club. You don't want to distance yourself from the audience.|
|In the second half
I'm going to do all of my greatest hits.......
It doesn't last long, but it's good.
- on becoming aware of the "Naughty Corner".
|"They've got their own show going on in that corner!"|
- quick as ever - heckling Ian Munro, doing a solo spot without the
wasn't going to do this song tonight, it's supposed to
be a Band song."
Trev: "It should be!"
|A well-travelled Paul
Bedingfield answering a question from
anyone here been to Nashville?"
Paul: "I've been to Enville!"
|Ian Munro quick
as a flash to Trevor Durden
|Trev making an
observation after he played a misplaced note (or five) on his mandolin at
the beginning of a song
Trev: " Sounds like an Ian Munro instrumental"
Ian "At least I get it wrong in the right key"
praising Barry Priest as he leaves the stage.
particularly spirited version of
"Live Like You're Dying"
"He must have been taking in air from somewhere else!"
|Tom Napper -
Linking the Woodman's 35th Anniversary with Bryn's Anchorite song
|You're like a bunch
of Anchorites here.
...... 35 years of the Woodman folk club
overheard at the bar between Ian Sutherland, Tom Napper and Paul
I'm thinking of going to see a band called 'Badgers' tomorrow night - does
anyone know what they play?"
Tom: "I think they play Brock and Roll"
Paul: "I don't know, but I hear they do a good sett"
commenting on Caelen Cross' talents as he picked up his 5 string mandolin.
|'You've got to be really warped to play the 5 string mandolin. ...... Caelen is the ideal person because he's really warped!'|
stepping into another of Trevor's "quickies", whilst introducing
you've not seen Malcolm before he usually has an evening to himself around
November - ish"
Trevor: "Yes .... Nobody else comes
referring to the (almost) legendary Woodman percussion section
|"It's like playing
for the Goons ...... I have nightmares like this
....... I'm getting really worried about the song I have planned for the second half. It's about a flatulent horse"
getting a quick retort from Jez Lowe
come from the North East they expect you to be big, tough and
Trevor:" And that's just the women!"
Jez: "Thank you Madam"
Papavgeris referring to the Woodman percussion section.
|Never again will I look at a banana or a carrot the same way|
aka the New Spooner
|What he should have
sang "Made to sweep chimneys"
What he actually sang "Made to cheap swimenys"
Afterwards he said: "I thought I'd got away with it"
Altogether now ....... "No-o-o!!"
coming to the Woodman since 1971 -
Does that make me the only regular here?"
|"Nowadays I've got to put my glasses on for anything past the seventh fret"|
|Cath Mundy &
Jay Turner commenting on the Woodman Chorus
sound like a band of heavenly Koalas"
Jay: "But you smell better"
commenting on the age of Mick Harrington's banjo
|Mick: This banjo
was made in 1911
Alan: Another year and it might have been on the Titanic
|I've been coming to the Woodman as an annual event for a long time now. In fact I can work out how old I am by counting the times I have been and then trebling it.|
heckling Hillary Spencer's Yellow Towel
Quicksilver at the Woodman 15/7/05
"This towel was white when we started out"
Trevor: "Three years ago...."
|Pete Brown & Trevor Durden making some profound observations as Bryn prepares to perform the Throckmorton Coat. Woodman 15/7/05||Trevor:
"No-one, not even a sheep, dies in this song"
Pete: "The wool dyes, though"
|Risky Business being
heckled by Mick Harrington.
fret too high - that makes me sound like Julie Andrews"
Mick "More like Archie Andrews"
|I really want to get on the Woodman Quotes and heckles - I've even bought a book of adult humour.|
|Isambarde - Some
an interesting fact for you, Did you know that George I died on the
Jude - "So you could say he was toppled from his throne!"
|Richard Heath poses a
reasonable question to Paul
|After numerous interruptions
from a friendly if somewhat unruly audience
Paul: 'They're not putting you off are they Richard?'
Richard: 'Off what?'
|They say that you get gigs
by doing floor spots..........
I did mine in 1979
|Paul Bedingfield / Clive
After playing a blistering guitar piece, Clive was changing his guitar to an alternative tuning
|Paul: It'll be nice to hear
what it sounds like when it's in tune.
Clive: Actually, I'm changing the tuning to Irish Tuning