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Woodman Quotes & Heckles 2010-2014

Updated
02 Apr 2015

If  you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.
Debby Jones augmenting Stanley Accrington's observation about the Kingswinford Christmas lights.

Woodman, 14/11/14
Stanley: "Christmas is coming up. They've already turned the lights on in Kingswinford. At least there was one on when I drove through"

Debby: "No-one at home though"
Joe Topping commenting on a somewhat depleted audience

Wooman, 26/09/14
"Thanks for turning out tonight. It was just the right number of people. Too many and the acoustics get ruined."
Derry Jones corrects Sunjay Brayne's introduction of Buzby Bywater

Woodman, 19/09/14
Sunjay: "Now there's a young man here who's going to play with me ......"

Derry: "Should've gone to Specsavers"
Pete Abbott picks up on Bryn Phillips slightly wrong introduction to Other Roads

Woodman, 12/09/14
Bryn: "And now I'd like you to give a big Woodman Welcome to tonight's guests "Any Roads"
Audience: "Any Roads ....???"
Pete: "Thanks, Brian"
When Anthony John Clarke admits to having problems with his eyesight Paul Bedingfield admits to the same problem

Woodman 21/03/14
AJC struggling to read his set list in the subdued lighting of the Woodman Folk Club
"Does anyone else have problems with their eyesight?"

Paul: "Who said that?"
Once again The Woodman's geographical expertise comes to the fore when Derry Jones answers a question from Rich McMahon

Woodman 14/03/14
Rich: "Does anyone know what 'Van Diemen's Land' is called nowadays?"

Derry: "Tipton?"
Terry Bonham reveals a potential language problem to Andrew Cadie of Broom Bezzums

Woodman 14/02/14
Andrew: "This is a German song, that seems to go down well even in places that don't speak German."

Terry: "That's alright, we don't even speak English here!"
Paul Bedingfield doesn't flounder on Kim Lowings' fishy song

Woodman 24/01/14
Kim: "We're doing a song called "The Flounder'"

Paul: "Sounds a bit fishy to me"

Kim: "I suppose it is a bit fishy"

Paul: "As long as you don't play it flat"
Paul Bedingfield receives an unexpected compliment from Gill Griffiths

Woodman 3/01/14
Paul, rather red in the face,  takes off his jumper

Gill: "You're looking hot, Paul"

Paul: "Nice of you to mention it"
John Langford gets a geography lesson, Woodman style from Derry Jones and Bryn Phillips

Woodman 04/10/13
John: " The gig tomorrow is at Wednesbury. Do you all know where Wednesbury is?"

Derry: "Just after Dewsbury"

Bryn: ".... and just before Thursby"
Paul Bedingfield introducing a complicated song

Woodman 13/09/13
"I hope I can remember the words of this song. It has got a very complicated title; it's called ........  Oh, I don't know what it's called, but it is complicated"
Pete Boddis
opening words to the audience

Woodman
07/06/13
"It’s nice to be here. In fact, it’s nice to be anywhere at my age"
Nothing to Prove discussing their  concert on Sunday

Woodman 17/05/13
Paul: "I'm doing burlesque"

Derry: "Not on the same stage as me, you're not"

Rob: "I think he means Burl Ives"
Debbie and Derry Jones' extol the virtues of Black Country workmanship.

Woodman 26/4/13

Debbie: "A lot of you will know that the anchor for the Titanic was made in Netherton ..... "

Derry: "..... and it's still working"

Clive Carroll and Paul Bedingfield impress the Woodman audience with their encyclopaedic knowledge of Buck Fizz songs.

Woodman 01/03/13

Clive: "This is a tune which Bucks Fizz might play"

Paul: "Are  you going to speed it up and slow it down?"

Clive: "I'm still making my mind up"
Pam Bonham reminds Terry about people in glass houses as he comments on Oliver Carpenter's exaggerated slow-motion walk onto stage

Woodman 23/11/12
Bryn: "...and now, as Mumbo Jumbo make their way to the stage .... "

Oliver walks forward in exaggerated slow motion

Terry: "You slow down when you get to a certain age"

Pam: I'd be careful what I say if I we're you"
Derry Jones questioning 
John Langford's
marital Status

Woodman 16/11/12

John: " I can't play you the song that I wanted to, because my wife said she'd walk out if I did."
Audience: "Go On! Go on!"
John: "No better not, as she's giving me a lift home"
Derry: "Are you a man or married?"
Terry Bonham and Paul Bedingfield attempt to clarify a description of the playing of bagpipes given by Ruaridh Pringle of Tattie Jam 

Woodman 2/11/12

Ruaridh: "...... and this particular bagpipe player could reach a very high register ...."

Paul: "a kind of falsetto bagpipes?"

Ruaridh: " hmmm, yes, sort of"

Terry: " Falsetto bagpipes? Is that a term used in Scotland when you've got all of them?"
Paul Bedingfield shows little sympathy towards the whales as John Langford introduces his new song "The Black Whale"

Woodman 19/10/12
John: "This is a song about whales. It was a very hard life for the whalers and very cruel to the whales"

Paul: "Nothing to blubber about though"

Barry Priest clarifies the minimum requirements of being in a band to Ann Munro, during the BICA Band Extravaganza

Woodman 12/10/12 

Ann (introducing a song): "Barry has trained us all on this one. We have to do what we're supposed to at the right time and ...."

Barry: "That is what being in a band is about..."

Ann: "Oh..."

Paul Bedingfield manages to shatter the image that Pete Kelly was carefully setting up

Woodman 21/09/12

Pete: "This is the only song I've written when I've cried. The idea came to me after I'd been cycling. I was so taken by it that I didn't even remove my helmet. So, there I was sitting on the edge of my bed still wearing my helmet and lycra shorts ..........."

Paul: "........peeling an onion"

Derry Jones gives a straight answer to Pete Kelly

Woodman 21/09/12

Pete: (Suffering with a cold and coming to the end of his set) "How long have I got?"

Derry: "With a cough like that, six months"

Paul Bedingfield correctly questions Vin Garbutt's offer of a written transcript.
Woodman 15/06/12
Vin: "There's a written transcript of tonight's performance available"
Paul: "In English?"
Vin: "No"
Sounds like Ian Munro offering 
Pete Kelly
a sit down

Woodman 08/06/12

Pete: "This song is called "Run With The Moon". I really want to play it on a cittern but I haven't got one"

Ian: "I've got a chair if you want to sit down"

Rob O'Dell advising Paul Matthews on garden security

Woodman 18/5/12

Paul: "We had a disaster in our garden this week. Our neighbour cut down a tree and it dropped onto our garden and demolished our pergola"

Rob: "Should have fitted a pergola alarm!"

Paul Bedingfield, Bob Bignall, Karen Hares, Terry Bonham and even John Thompson, plumb the depths to find the puns in Cloudstreet's "Artesian Water"

Woodman 11/5/12 
John: "This is a song about artesian water"
Paul: "Does it go down well?"
John: "You know the drill"
Bob: "Now you're being boring"
Karen: "We're having to dig deep for some of these puns"
Terry (after the song): "That was divine"
Sue Stevens observes that Paul Bedingfield's weight loss campaign has got off to a good start.


Woodman 16/3/12

Paul (before song): "I just wanted to let you all know that I'm doing a sponsored weight loss. I'm planning to lose 9 stone and I'm hoping that some of you will sponsor me"
Paul (after song): "Phew, that guitar part was tricky - I think I've taken the skin of my fingers."
Sue: "That's the first half pound gone then!"
Rural Wales meets the Black Country as Paul Bedingfield and Derry Jones discuss country matters with Ruth Fluga

 

 

Woodman 10/2/12

Ruth: (Reminiscing country life since they have moved to rural Wales) "Oh .... it was lovely. Standing in my back garden watching the sheep in the fields at lambing time."
Derry: "They go well with peas."
Ruth: (Moving swiftly on) "Another thing. I've got three chickens. They're adorable, I've even given them names"
Paul: "Paxo"
Derry: "Chasseur"
Anon: "Kiev"
Derry Jones and Paul Bedingfield

Hair, Hare

Woodman 13/1/12

Derry: "The next song we're going to do is called 'The White Hare', which you probably know from Seth Lakeman"
Paul (Pointing at Ian): "He's got white hair"
Derry: "No Paul, not that type of hair; think more of a white toupee running across the fields"
Terry Bonham and Tony Portlock reflect on how a few drinks can transform a Woodman Singers' Night  into a night at the London Palladium

Woodman 6/1/12

Terry; "We've got all the stars in tonight - it's a bit like the London Palladium"
Tony: "Only the stage doesn't go round"
Terry (holding up a pint of Abbott's Ale): "It does when you've had a few of these"
James Hickman berates the audience as he revives and old quote

Woodman 2/12/11

"We used to be called "The Badgers", but you lot ruined it for us by congratulating us on a "good sett".  You even came up with "Brock and Roll" and were so pleased with it you put it on your web site and it's still there ........."
(Scroll down to find it)
Paul Bedingfield explains why 
Ian Munro
can't do right for doing wrong

Woodman 2/12/11

Ian: (After giving up on his rendition of "Can't do Right for Doing Wrong") - " I just can't get it right somehow, I get it down to a tee at home, but when I get here it always goes wrong"
Paul: "Is that why it's called "Can't do Right for Doing Wrong"
Terry Bonham clarifies Kenny Spiers observation on Staffordshire creativity

Woodman 26/11/11

Kenny: "I've been looking forward to playing this gig ever since we came into Staffordshire and I saw that the sign said 'Welcome to the Creative County""

Terry: "That's the accountants"

Steve Tilston realises that the infamous Woodman heckler, 
Paul Bedingfield
, is in the audience

Woodman 21/10/11

Steve "My wife bought me a new shirt for my appearance on the Jules Holland show ...... "
Paul "She could have saved some money by washing the others"
Steve "Oh .... you ARE here!"
Ian Munro picking up guitar tips from Clive Carroll

Woodman 14/10/11

"I put my glasses on to watch Clive play guitar. I don't know why - the only thing I could copy is the way he puts on the capo"
Joe Topping and Paul Bedingfield clarify their position.


Woodman 23/9/11

Joe: " For this song you have to imagine that I'm a girl"

Paul: "You're not my type"

Joe: "Glad to hear it"
Red Shoes discuss the musical roots of Celtic Moon - they probably run deeper than Mark thinks

Woodman 16/9/11

Carolyn: "Celtic Moon - it's sort of Prog Folk"

Mark: "How can it be Prog Folk? It's only got three chords."

Busby: " You play three. We play twelve"

Never one to disappoint a lady Paul Bedingfield responds to Sam's (Flaxenby) resigned "request" for a Witch Joke in double quick time.

Woodman 1/7/11

Sam (looking at Paul): "This is a song about witches; I suppose that will attract a few "witch jokes" from that direction"

Paul: "Which direction?"
Terry Bonham interrupts Bram Taylor's joke (which we won't reveal) with a profound observation

Woodman 24/6/11

Bram: "It's a big birthday for me this year and I know what I'll 
             be getting .........."

Terry: "Older?"

Barry Priest defining his singing voice following Ian Munro's observation that "O Sole Mio!" was originally sung by Mario Lanza.

Singaround 21/05/11

Ian: "That was originally sung by Mario Lanza"

Barry: "Mario Lanza was a tenor I'm more of a Barry-tone"

Ian Sutherland introducing a Solomon Burke song

Woodman 20/11/11

"I want to do a song by Solomon Burke. He recorded it before he died"
Paul Bedingfield clarifying the role of the 21st century woman to Bec of Babajack

Woodman 1/4/11

Bec (as she was repositioning her microphone): "I'm just rearranging the furniture"

Paul: “Well you are a woman, it’s your prerogative”
Ian Munro spots Keith Judson's attemept to promote his new CD using ther power of subliminal suggestion

Woodman 7/1/11

Keith: I used to play most songs in D but last week I played two in C instead of D and again this week I'm going to do two in C that I used to do in D.

Ian: They're on his new CD.

Karen Hares admonishing Keith Judson, for interrupting one of her jokes is then interrupted by Derry Jones.

Woodman 7/1/11

Karen: Shh Keith - You're a holy man!

Derry: Yes, he is. You can see right through him.

 

Pete Coe ticking the boxes

Woodman 26/11/10

Pete: "I like to play banjo whilst I'm singing miserable songs and murder ballads.....  that way I tick two boxes at once"
Bryn Phillips unsuccessfully trying to explain the difference between an accordion and a melodeon to 
Christine Gregory

Woodman 26/11/10

Christine: "What's the difference between a melodeon and an accordion?"

Bryn: "Well, a melodeon is a bit like a harmonica, you suck and blow  ...... "

Christine: "Hang on a minute, how do you get it in your mouth?"
Anthony John Clarke noting that Paul's usual Quick Wit & Repartee had been temporarily turned off by Julia Disney's turn on.

Woodman 19/11/10

Julia (whose mic wasn't switched on)
 "Ian, can you turn me on, please!"

Ian: (halfway across the room)
"I'm feeling a bit too tired for that"

AJC (recalling incident later in the evening)
" .......... and Paul Bedingfield didn't say a thing"
Dick Woodhouse trying to come to terms with Katriona Gilmore's choice of instrument.

Woodman 12/11/10

Katriona: "I thought it would be nice if we had a banjo player on one of the tracks on our new CD"

Dick: "That's an oxymoron!"
Paul Bedingfield reminding Chris Quinn of the perils of bringing reptilian pets to the club

Woodman 17/9/10

Chris (Having adjusted the volume on the amp): "That's better; my monitor was too loud"

Paul: “That will teach you to take your pet lizard out with you”.

Ian Munro having a bad hair day with Karen Hares (renowned for her joke telling ability)

Woodman 10/9/10

Karen: "I went to the hairdressers today ...... "

Ian: "Is this a joke?"

Karen (tossing her hair indignantly): "NO!"
Harvey Andrews and Terry Bonham discussing ageing and the effect of living a full life

Woodman 14/7/10
Harvey: " I always laugh at this ... "I'm two years younger than Cliff Richard"

Terry: "It must have been a rough two years"

Harvey: "Well, I must have lived a full life ...........
............ come to think of it, I'm two years older than Keith Richards - he must have led an even fuller life than me!"
Diane Drummond of Driftwood bowled over by the enthusiastic Woodman chorus singing

Woodman 18/6/10

"If I was white I would be going red"
Grant Baynham feeling at home at the Woodman

Woodman 23/04/10

"This is the only club I come to where the people don't have an accent"
Busby and Tim discover a geographically challenged guitar tuning

Woodman 09/04/10

Tim: "I discovered a new tuning when I was in Afghanistan - I mean Tunisia."

Busby: "Was it B-A-G-D-A-D?"

Paul Bedingfield likening the BICA Band to a stricken oil tanker, following their pre-performance tune-up

Woodman 05/03/10

"That was more slick than the Exxon Valdez!"
Steve Walker turning down Larry's offer of a Salsa

Lighthouse 04/02/10

Larry: "You all know this one by the Mavericks. There's room up the front if you fancy a Salsa"

Steve: "No thanks. We're not hungry"
Terry Bonham questioning 
Pete Kelly's
play list 

Woodman 29/01/10

Pete: "I've been trying to think what to play tonight. I've tried three times to write a play list but given up. Instead I'm going to play everything I know"

Terry: "So what are you going to do in the second half?"
Busby thanking Barry for coming on stage without warning to help him with a song.

Woodman 15/01/10

Thanks Barry; do you realise we've invented a new genre ........... karefolky
Bob Bignall feeling at ease with the Woodman audience

Woodman 15/01/10

I know I'm amongst friends now, because you've all picked your own key to sing in.
Dick Woodhouse withdrawing an offer just as it is being made!

Woodman 15/01/10
This song has a good refrain if you would like to refrain...