|2000-2004||2005-2009||2010 - 2014||2015 - onwards|
Woodman Quotes & Heckles 2010-2014
|If you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.|
Debby Jones augmenting Stanley Accrington's
observation about the Kingswinford Christmas lights.|
"Christmas is coming up. They've already turned the lights on in
Kingswinford. At least there was one on when I drove through"
Debby: "No-one at home though"
Joe Topping commenting on a somewhat depleted audience|
|"Thanks for turning out tonight. It was just the right number of people. Too many and the acoustics get ruined."|
Derry Jones corrects Sunjay Brayne's
introduction of Buzby Bywater|
Sunjay: "Now there's a young man here who's going to play with me
Derry: "Should've gone to Specsavers"
Pete Abbott picks up on Bryn Phillips
slightly wrong introduction to Other Roads|
now I'd like you to give a big Woodman Welcome to tonight's guests "Any
Audience: "Any Roads ....???"
Pete: "Thanks, Brian"
When Anthony John Clarke admits to having problems with
his eyesight Paul Bedingfield admits to the same
struggling to read his set list in the subdued lighting of the Woodman Folk
"Does anyone else have problems with their eyesight?"
Paul: "Who said that?"
Once again The Woodman's geographical expertise comes to the fore when
Derry Jones answers a question from Rich
anyone know what 'Van Diemen's Land' is called nowadays?"
Terry Bonham reveals a potential language problem to
Andrew Cadie of Broom Bezzums|
"This is a German song, that seems to go down well even in places that don't
Terry: "That's alright, we don't even speak English here!"
Paul Bedingfield doesn't flounder on Kim Lowings'
doing a song called "The Flounder'"
Paul: "Sounds a bit fishy to me"
Kim: "I suppose it is a bit fishy"
Paul: "As long as you don't play it flat"
Paul Bedingfield receives an unexpected compliment from
red in the face, takes off his jumper
Gill: "You're looking hot, Paul"
Paul: "Nice of you to mention it"
John Langford gets a geography lesson, Woodman style from
Derry Jones and Bryn Phillips|
|John: " The
gig tomorrow is at Wednesbury. Do you all know where Wednesbury is?"
Derry: "Just after Dewsbury"
Bryn: ".... and just before Thursby"
Paul Bedingfield introducing a complicated song|
|"I hope I can remember the words of this song. It has got a very complicated title; it's called ........ Oh, I don't know what it's called, but it is complicated"|
opening words to the audience
|"It’s nice to be here. In fact, it’s nice to be anywhere at my age"|
Nothing to Prove discussing their concert on Sunday|
Derry: "Not on the same stage as me, you're not"
Rob: "I think he means Burl Ives"
Debbie and Derry Jones' extol
the virtues of Black Country workmanship.
lot of you will know that the anchor for the Titanic was made in Netherton
Derry: "..... and it's still working"
Clive Carroll and Paul Bedingfield
impress the Woodman audience with their encyclopaedic knowledge of Buck
is a tune which Bucks Fizz might play"
Paul: "Are you going to speed it up and slow it down?"
Clive: "I'm still making my mind up"
Pam Bonham reminds Terry about
people in glass houses as he comments on Oliver Carpenter's exaggerated
slow-motion walk onto stage|
"...and now, as Mumbo Jumbo make their way to the stage .... "
Oliver walks forward in exaggerated slow motion
Terry: "You slow down when you get to a certain age"
Pam: I'd be careful what I say if I we're you"
Derry Jones questioning |
John Langford's marital Status
|John: " I
can't play you the song that I wanted to, because my wife said she'd
walk out if I did."
Audience: "Go On! Go on!"
John: "No better not, as she's giving me a lift home"
Derry: "Are you a man or married?"
Terry Bonham and Paul Bedingfield
attempt to clarify a description of the playing of bagpipes given by Ruaridh
Pringle of Tattie Jam
"...... and this particular bagpipe player could reach a very high
Paul: "a kind of falsetto bagpipes?"
Ruaridh: " hmmm, yes, sort of"
Terry: " Falsetto bagpipes? Is that a term used in Scotland when you've got all of them?"
Paul Bedingfield shows little sympathy
towards the whales as John Langford introduces his new song
"The Black Whale"|
is a song about whales. It was a very hard life for the whalers and very
cruel to the whales"
Paul: "Nothing to blubber about though"
Barry Priest clarifies the minimum
requirements of being in a band to Ann Munro, during the BICA Band
a song): "Barry has trained us all on this one. We have to do what
we're supposed to at the right time and ...."
Barry: "That is what being in a band is about..."
Paul Bedingfield manages to shatter the
image that Pete Kelly was carefully setting up
is the only song I've written when I've cried. The idea came to me after
I'd been cycling. I was so taken by it that I didn't even remove my
helmet. So, there I was sitting on the edge of my bed still wearing my
helmet and lycra shorts ..........."
Paul: "........peeling an onion"
Derry Jones gives a straight answer to Pete
with a cold and coming to the end of his set) "How long have I
Derry: "With a cough like that, six months"
Paul Bedingfield correctly questions Vin
Garbutt's offer of a written transcript.|
"There's a written transcript of tonight's performance
Paul: "In English?"
Sounds like Ian Munro offering |
Pete Kelly a sit down
song is called "Run With The Moon". I really want to play it
on a cittern but I haven't got one"
Ian: "I've got a chair if you want to sit down"
Rob O'Dell advising Paul Matthews
on garden security
had a disaster in our garden this week. Our neighbour cut down a tree
and it dropped onto our garden and demolished our pergola"
Rob: "Should have fitted a pergola alarm!"
Paul Bedingfield, Bob Bignall, Karen Hares,
Terry Bonham and even John Thompson, plumb the depths to find
the puns in Cloudstreet's "Artesian Water"|
is a song about artesian water"
Paul: "Does it go down well?"
John: "You know the drill"
Bob: "Now you're being boring"
Karen: "We're having to dig deep for some of these puns"
Terry (after the song): "That was divine"
Sue Stevens observes that Paul
Bedingfield's weight loss campaign has got off to a good start.
song): "I just wanted to let you all know that I'm doing a
sponsored weight loss. I'm planning to lose 9 stone and I'm hoping that
some of you will sponsor me"
Paul (after song): "Phew, that guitar part was tricky - I think I've taken the skin of my fingers."
Sue: "That's the first half pound gone then!"
Rural Wales meets the Black Country as Paul Bedingfield and
Derry Jones discuss country matters with Ruth Fluga
|Ruth: (Reminiscing country life since they have moved to rural Wales)
"Oh .... it was lovely. Standing in my back garden watching the sheep in the fields at lambing time."
Derry: "They go well with peas."
Ruth: (Moving swiftly on) "Another thing. I've got three chickens. They're adorable, I've even given them names"
Derry Jones and Paul Bedingfield
next song we're going to do is called 'The White Hare', which you
probably know from Seth Lakeman"
Paul (Pointing at Ian): "He's got white hair"
Derry: "No Paul, not that type of hair; think more of a white toupee running across the fields"
Terry Bonham and Tony Portlock
reflect on how a few drinks can transform a Woodman Singers' Night
into a night at the London Palladium
"We've got all the stars in tonight - it's a bit like the London
Tony: "Only the stage doesn't go round"
Terry (holding up a pint of Abbott's Ale): "It does when you've had a few of these"
James Hickman berates the audience as
he revives and old quote
|"We used to
be called "The Badgers", but you lot ruined it for us by
congratulating us on a "good sett". You even came up
with "Brock and Roll" and were so pleased with it you put it
on your web site and it's still there ........."
(Scroll down to find it)
Paul Bedingfield explains why |
Ian Munro can't do right for doing wrong
giving up on his rendition of "Can't do Right for Doing
Wrong") - " I just can't get it right somehow, I get it down
to a tee at home, but when I get here it always goes wrong"
Paul: "Is that why it's called "Can't do Right for Doing Wrong"
Terry Bonham clarifies Kenny Spiers
observation on Staffordshire creativity
been looking forward to playing this gig ever since we came into
Staffordshire and I saw that the sign said 'Welcome to the Creative
Terry: "That's the accountants"
Steve Tilston realises that the
infamous Woodman heckler, |
Paul Bedingfield, is in the audience
wife bought me a new shirt for my appearance on the Jules Holland show
Paul "She could have saved some money by washing the others"
Steve "Oh .... you ARE here!"
Ian Munro picking up guitar tips from Clive
|"I put my glasses on to watch Clive play guitar. I don't know why - the only thing I could copy is the way he puts on the capo"|
Joe Topping and Paul Bedingfield
clarify their position.
||Joe: " For
this song you have to imagine that I'm a girl"
Paul: "You're not my type"
Joe: "Glad to hear it"
Red Shoes discuss the musical roots of
Celtic Moon - they probably run deeper than Mark thinks
"Celtic Moon - it's sort of Prog Folk"
Mark: "How can it be Prog Folk? It's only got three chords."
Busby: " You play three. We play twelve"
Never one to disappoint a lady Paul
Bedingfield responds to Sam's (Flaxenby) resigned "request"
for a Witch Joke in double quick time.
|Sam (looking at
Paul): "This is a song about witches; I suppose that will attract a
few "witch jokes" from that direction"
Paul: "Which direction?"
Terry Bonham interrupts Bram
Taylor's joke (which we won't reveal) with a profound observation
a big birthday for me this year and I know what I'll
be getting .........."
Barry Priest defining his singing voice following Ian Munro's observation that "O Sole Mio!" was originally sung by Mario Lanza.
|Ian: "That was
originally sung by Mario Lanza"
Barry: "Mario Lanza was a tenor I'm more of a Barry-tone"
Ian Sutherland introducing a Solomon
|"I want to do a song by Solomon Burke. He recorded it before he died"|
Paul Bedingfield clarifying the role of
the 21st century woman to Bec of Babajack
|Bec (as she was
repositioning her microphone): "I'm just rearranging the furniture"
Paul: “Well you are a woman, it’s your prerogative”
Ian Munro spots Keith Judson's
attemept to promote his new CD using ther power of subliminal suggestion
|Keith: I used to
play most songs in D but last week I played two in C instead of D and
again this week I'm going to do two in C that I used to do in D.
Ian: They're on his new CD.
Karen Hares admonishing Keith Judson,
for interrupting one of her jokes is then interrupted by Derry Jones.
|Karen: Shh Keith
- You're a holy man!
Derry: Yes, he is. You can see right through him.
Pete Coe ticking the boxes
like to play banjo whilst I'm singing miserable songs and murder
ballads..... that way I tick two boxes at once"
Bryn Phillips unsuccessfully trying to
explain the difference between an accordion and a melodeon to |
"What's the difference between a melodeon and an accordion?"
Bryn: "Well, a melodeon is a bit like a harmonica, you suck and blow ...... "
Christine: "Hang on a minute, how do you get it in your mouth?"
Anthony John Clarke noting that Paul's usual Quick Wit & Repartee had been temporarily turned off by
Julia Disney's turn on.
|Julia (whose mic
wasn't switched on):
"Ian, can you turn me on, please!"
Ian: (halfway across the room)
"I'm feeling a bit too tired for that"
AJC (recalling incident later in the evening)
" .......... and Paul Bedingfield didn't say a thing"
Dick Woodhouse trying to come to terms
with Katriona Gilmore's choice of instrument.
thought it would be nice if we had a banjo player on one of the tracks
on our new CD"
Dick: "That's an oxymoron!"
Paul Bedingfield reminding Chris
Quinn of the perils of bringing reptilian pets to the club
Chris (Having adjusted the volume on the amp): "That's
better; my monitor was too loud"
Paul: “That will teach you to take your pet lizard out with you”.
Ian Munro having a bad hair day with Karen
Hares (renowned for her joke telling ability)
went to the hairdressers today ...... "
Ian: "Is this a joke?"
Karen (tossing her hair indignantly): "NO!"
Harvey Andrews and Terry Bonham
discussing ageing and the effect of living a full life|
|Harvey: " I
always laugh at this ... "I'm two years younger than Cliff
Terry: "It must have been a rough two years"
Harvey: "Well, I must have lived a full life ...........
............ come to think of it, I'm two years older than Keith Richards - he must have led an even fuller life than me!"
Diane Drummond of Driftwood bowled over
by the enthusiastic Woodman chorus singing
|"If I was white I would be going red"|
Grant Baynham feeling at home at the
|"This is the only club I come to where the people don't have an accent"|
Busby and Tim discover a
geographically challenged guitar tuning
discovered a new tuning when I was in Afghanistan - I mean
Busby: "Was it B-A-G-D-A-D?"
Paul Bedingfield likening the BICA Band
to a stricken oil tanker, following their pre-performance tune-up
|"That was more slick than the Exxon Valdez!"|
Steve Walker turning down Larry's offer
of a Salsa
all know this one by the Mavericks. There's room up the front if you
fancy a Salsa"
Steve: "No thanks. We're not hungry"
Terry Bonham questioning |
Pete Kelly's play list
been trying to think what to play tonight. I've tried three times to
write a play list but given up. Instead I'm going to play everything I
Terry: "So what are you going to do in the second half?"
Busby thanking Barry for coming on
stage without warning to help him with a song.
|Thanks Barry; do you realise we've invented a new genre ........... karefolky|
Bob Bignall feeling at ease with the
|I know I'm amongst friends now, because you've all picked your own key to sing in.|
Dick Woodhouse withdrawing an offer
just as it is being made!|
|This song has a good refrain if you would like to refrain...|