Woodman Quotes and Heckles

If you have any quotes or heckles which you would like me to add to this page please send them in.
Paul Bedingfield - correcting Mac (of Fairfield Folk) Woodman Panto - 17/12/04	Mac: The more we drink, the better we sound Paul: No. The more we drink the better you sound
Ian Munro - discussing mobile phone technology whilst attempting to introduce Nick Evans Woodman 10/12/04	Nick: Don't worry about the bulge in my trouser pocket, it's only my mobile phone Ian: [Pause] ... I've got one which vibrates.
Anonymous Heckle giving a quick comeback to Mike Silver, Woodman 2/12/04	Mike Silver; telling the story of the damage to the neck of his guitar by accidents and baggage handlers): "I've had it mended but it's twisted. I'm having a new neck for Christmas." Audience heckle, " Unlike the turkey!"
Ian Munro Woodman 12/11/04	"Don't forget to get your tickets to the pantomime. It's good value with free food ............. the tickets cost £6.50.
Viv Bamber Woodman 12/11/04	"This is a song by Kate Rusby. She wrote it when she was even younger than she is now"
Sean Cannon Woodman 15/10/04	"I'll tell you what. I've got a joke and a song for you. I'll sing the song first and then tell you the joke afterwards. That way you'll have something to look forward to"
Mick Harrington - checking the tuning of his instrument with Pete Woodman 15/10/04	"That's thrown us ... they're in tune"
Paul Bedingfield and Trevor Durden Making a "request" to Ian Munro Woodman 15/10/04	Paul "Do the one we like" Ian: "Well actually, I wasn't thinking of doing anything" Trevor: "That's the one we like"
Steve Walker noticed someone laughing during his "Banjo Song" Woodman Singers' Night 8/10/04	"Don't laugh, I might carry on"
Derry Jones digging up another observation for Bryn's "London Necropolis Railway" Woodman 17/9/04	"It's the only time that the trains run on time, but all the passengers are late"
Trevor Durden somewhat undermining Martyn Wyndham-Read's erudite observations following Sue Steven's rendition of "A Drop of Nelson's Blood." Woodman 16/7/04	MWR: "Nelson was put in a barrel of brandy to preserve his body after the Battle of Trafalgar. It's said the sailors kept taking a swig out of it on the voyage back to England." Trevor: "At least it had body!"
Ian Munro - mentioning Singers' Night which starts off the new season Woodman 16/7/04	"I'm really looking forward to our next singers' night; you never know WHAT's going to turn up"
Pete Morton Woodman 2/7/04	I need to get my guitar in tune for this song ..... .... jazz hadn't been invented when it was written
Trevor Durden - Joining in some Risky Business on-stage introspection Woodman 25/6/04	Ken: " Ruth sounded like a cross between Gracie Fields and Mary Poppins" Trevor "Gracie Poppins?"
Paul Bedingfield - Heckling Cloudstreet with an "original" observation Woodman 11/6/04	John was introducing a tune called "Dick's Pig" Paul: "Not Pig's dick then?" (Pause for tittering) John: " We've been playing this for over three years now and this is the first time ANYONE .. has decided that was worth saying!"
John Thompson (Cloudstreet) - asking Paul Bedingfield for some clarification during his on-stage banter - Woodman 11/6/04	Paul: "I used to be an angry young man but as time goes on I've decided to settle for being a handsome young man" John: "And how's it going?"
Malcolm Jeffrey - Leaving stage after enthusiastic applause - Woodman 11/6/04	"Thank you for that warm hand upon my exit"
Mick Harrington - commenting at the bar when Ian Munro, on stage with the BICA band, forgot the words and was prompted by Barry Priest - Woodman 7/5/04	"That's incredible ...... Barry's got the words written down on a piece of paper and Ian's singing them ...... that must be an Irish Prompt."
Hillary Spencer, heckling the "g" of Quicksilver Woodman 7/5/04	That's typical of Grant - Grabbing the attention of the audience and then doing nowt with it!
Bob Fox Woodman 30/4/04	This song is about living your life as though each day will be your last .... and one day it will be.
Derry Jones & Mick Harrington with some instant puns to heckle Tom Napper, who was tuning his instrument after a long introduction about the use of Fullers Earth and urine in the making of Harris Tweed - Woodman 23/4/03	To fully appreciate these you have to read them out loud, preferably after a drink or three. Tom: "Did that come out, my ears are full of .........." Derry:"....... earth" Mick: "Are you hard of urine?"
Paul Bedingfield - returning to the London Necropolis Railway theme Woodman 26/3/04	Paul: (after Bryn started off the evening singing about the London Necropolis railway, featuring Brookwood Cemetery) "Bryn, I can see why Ian gave you the Graveyard Spot"
Anthony John Clarke Woodman 12/03/04	Everything about this club I like. Even the till is in the key of G
Allan Taylor - Heckling Anthony John Clarke 12/03/04	AJC: "You know you're not going down very well when they're looking at their watches in the front row" Allan: "They're looking at their calendars back here, mate"
Ian Munro At the end of the evening 27/02/04	And don't forget the week after next.................................. Anthony John Clarke, who's a big fan of mine ................................................. I mean, I'm a big fan of his.
Kieran Halpin (paraphrased) Woodman 20/2/04	"This is a song about drinking alone. I tried it once, but didn't like it - perhaps it was the company I was keeping"
Jacqui McGinn - Continuing the "Necropolis Railway" theme Woodman 20/2/04	Jacqui: "Bryn, are you sure that Brookwood Cemetery is on the outskirts of London?" Bryn: "Positive" Jacqui: "Oh ... I'd always thought it was in Gravesend"
Dave Plimmer - A nice turn of phrase Woodman Singers' Night 13/2/04	"In my state of advanced refreshment, I'll probably forget the words"
Mick Harrington - continuing Paul's theme from the week before - Woodman 6/2/04	Mick: "Bryn, where did you say Brookwood Cemetery was?" Bryn: "On the outskirts of London" Mick: "Oh ... I thought it was dead centre"
Kate Madge commenting on Harriet Bartlett's incredible piano accordion playing - Woodman 6/2/04	Harriet: "This is a very simple Swedish Tune by Aly Bain" Kate: "Knowing her, it won't be very simple at all"
Paul Bedingfield - feeling a pun coming on after Bryn's rendition of his new song "The London Necropolis Railway" - Woodman 30/1/04	Paul: "How big did you say Brookwood Cemetery was?" Bryn: "There's been almost quarter of a million burials there" Paul: "That must have been a hell of an undertaking"
Tommy (standing in for Sue as MC) introducing Anne Adams..... Lighthouse 15/1/04	".....and now for our second LADY OF THE NIGHT"
Trevor Durden after Clive Carrol played a spectacular version of duelling banjos on the banjo he borrowed from Ian Munro - Woodman 5/12/03	"That's all there is to it Ian"
Dave Plimmer Setting up his guitar with help from Ian Munro Woodman 28/11/03	Ian: "You're plugged in, but not switched on" Dave" That's the story of my life"
Gareth introducing a Laudon Wainrwright song Woodman 28/11/03	"This is a very funny song........ ..........please laugh"
Bob Hadley being helped out by Bob Curry Woodman 24/10/03	Bob H: " This is a sea shanty from .........." Bob C: "........the sea?"
Ted Lucas Woodman 24/10/03	"You've got to die of something, but I'm not going yet ... I've got too many people to annoy"
Ian Munro at the end of the evening, encouraging the audience to come again next week. Woodman 19/10/03	"Next week we have that sensational songer singwriter ...................Steve Tilston"
Barry (again) being heckled on stage by Ian during a BICA-break as he tells the audience a bit about himself Woodman 3/10/03	Barry: "I work at college as a lecturer in electrical installation. I'm a spark really" Ian: "Not a very bright one!"
Cath Mundy commenting on the Woodman's rousing chorus singing Woodman 26/9/03	"Hey, the singing was great. Like Phil Spector. 'The Woodman Wall of Sound' "
Barry Priest being heckled by Paul having just plugged his guitar into his DI box strapped to his waist. Woodman 19/9/03	Paul: "Barry, is that a modern colostomy?"
Brian Oldham on stage at Northycote Folk Festival being unkind to Trevor, who was only trying to help. Mind you he had a point. 6/7/03	Brian: "What's that word that starts with 'C',; you know, when you've finished something?" Trevor: "Completed" Brian: "Thanks, that's it. Just because you wear stupid trousers, it doesn't mean you're stupid, Trevor."
Harvey Andrews giving a short response to Ian Munro's ramblings Woodman 4/7/03	Ian: "Right. Next week it's Nancy Kerr and James Fagan. Nancy's quite attractive, so all the lads should come; and, I suppose, James is quite attractive too, so all the girls should ..." Harvey: "I'm off!"
Nothing to Prove giving Ian Munro a hard time, because he was a bit slow responding to Derry's request for a sound man. Woodman 27/06/03	Debbie: "What have you been doing to him Anne?" Ann (indignantly): "Nothing! absolutely nothing!" Debbie: "That's probably the problem, then"
Derry Jones offering a technical explanation to Ian and Ann at the Woodman 13/6/03	After Ian stumbled over some syncopating rhythms and intricate fingerwork on Aran Canal Derry: "Did you learn that one off a CD which skipped?"
Steve Walker being heckled by Trevor Durden, Woodman Singers Night, 30/5/03	Steve: (Introducing a Sea Shanty) "A friend of mine, who was a barber, joined the navy ...." Trevor: "Did they put him on a clipper?"
John Prentice being heckled at Upton whilst tuning up Upton FF 3/5/03	John: "Stop me when you like it" Anon: "We'll be here a long time then!"
Barman at the Muggery, bringing a plate of gammon and chips into a singaround. Upton FF 3/5/03	Barman: "Did anyone order a gammon?" Anon: "Yes I did .... yesterday"
Barry Hunt introducing a Richard Thompson Song at the Chase Folk Club, 18/4/03	What's this song about? ........ well it's about 3 minutes!
Paul Bedingfield making a somewhat unfair observation re Steve's Harmonica Playing at the Woodman Singers' Night 11/4/03	Steve 'Potato Chip' Walker "I like playing with Bryn when he's had a few drinks - he doesn't notice my mistakes" Paul "He's never had that much to drink!"
Ruth (Risky Business) Woodman 4/4/03	'My ambition when I'm old is to be one of those mad old women who sits on the steps wearing a crimpolene dress and smelling of wee.'
Trevor Durden in full agreement with Ian Munro on Anthony John Clarke's guest night at the Woodman, 14/3/03	Ian: I was going to do an Anthony John Clarke song, but on reflection I won't. I prefer to hear him sing them..... Trevor: So do we! (in fairness, Ian's interpretations of AJC's songs are pretty good!)
Bryn Phillips and Mick Harrington, marvelling at Maartin Allcock's guitar work on John Wright's first number, Woodman 6 Dec 2002	Mick: Just look at that flash guitar playing. Bryn: It's always a mistake to be that clever on the first number, you've got nowhere to go. Mick: You're absolutely right. I never make that mistake.
Alan Taylor joining in Ann & Ian Munro's on-stage marital dispute featuring dead flowers and dog biscuits at the Woodman 22/11/02	Ann Munro had just berated Ian for buying her some "dead" flowers, which it emerged had been purchased from the bargain bucket. Ian "..... Then I went and bought some biscuits for the dog" Alan "Were they broken?" Ian "Unlike Ann, the dog doesn't give a monkey (paraphrased) what sort of biscuits it gets"
Bryn Phillips & Mick Harrington propping up the bar watching Desperate Men - Woodman 15/11/02	Bryn: "Is that a six string bass he's playing?" Mick: "Yeah, they're the easiest."
Paul Bedingfield not quite believing Steve Tiltson's modest introduction - Woodman 25/10/02	Steve: This is a song I've always wanted to write - it has only got three chords in it. Paul: What's the first one? C sharp minor diminished ninth?
Lynn Offering sympathy to Bryn at the bar, who in total awe of Clive Carroll's guitar playing was considering his future - Woodman 11/10/02	Lynn: "Anything wrong?" Bryn: "Wondering whether to give the guitar up" Lynn: "Ain't nothing stopping you."
Vin Garbutt - Woodman 4/10/02	Responding to the sound of a pint glass crashing to the floor "I wouldn't wear contact lenses that big if I were you."
Trevor Durden responding to a jocular remark from Paul - Woodman 28/9/02	Paul (looking at Trevor fooling about): I'll have a pint of what he's been drinking. Trevor: You already have!
John Kirkpatrick offering some advice to Paul Bedingfield - Woodman 28/9/02	John: "This is a drinking song" Paul: "Sounds like my sort of song" John: "If you can't sing the chorus, just gargle"
James heckling Jay Turner at the Woodman 13/9/02	Jay: "The kookaburra is a VERY loud bird. Has anybody ever heard one?" James: "I married one."
Ian Munro - on unaccompanied singing, Singers' Night 6/9/02	I don't know how people sing unaccompanied; I always have to have something in my hand
Ian Munro & Steve Walker - A surreal conversation overheard on 6/9/02	Ian "Do you want to Sing tonight?" Steve: "No thanks" Ian: "Thank God for that" then ... after a moments reflection Ian: "I didn't mean I don't want you to sing - it's just very difficult to fit everyone in" Steve: "It's too late to apologise, Ian. I've already taken umbrage" Ian: "I didn't know you listened to the Archers"
Tommy heckling George after George had put on his glasses to read his music Little Eileen's 8/8/02	Hey George, your eyes must be good to see anything through those glasses!
Martyn Wyndham Read - Woodman 12/7/02	A visit to the Woodman is one of the highlights of my year
Trevor Durden - a nice one-word heckle during Vikki Clayton's between songs chat at the Woodman 28/6/02	Vikki: I used to go out with a fisherman - he was called Rod Trevor: Reely?
Ian Munro - Heckling himself onstage Woodman 7/6/02	This is called "One Day" ....................................................... ................................................................................................ ......................................hang on, I'm still practising it..........
Mick Harrington - an aside to Maggie Boyle's comment about the Golden Jubilee Pop Concert - Woodman 31/5/02	Maggie: It'll be interesting to see how Brian May handles playing God Save The Queen from the roof of Buckingham Palace. Mick: It'll be interesting to see how Ozzie Osbourne handles the Corgis.
Trevor Durden - Heckling Richard Heath of the Gravelly Hillbillies - Woodman 31/5/02	Richard: We've got some CDs in a case at the back - If there's no-one there, just take one and leave £1 on the desk.......... Trevor: I have, but I'm still waiting for change.
Ann Munro - responding to Ian, onstage, Woodman 24/5/02 (see 17/5/02)	Ian: Come on, come on, are we ready? Ann: I'm just tuning my bohdran.
David Harris - Heckling Ann Munro as the BICA band were tuning up - Woodman 17/5/02	Ann: Well at least I don't have to tune up my bohdran! David: Why did you buy a tuneable bohdran then?
Derry Jones - commenting on some particularly loud whistling P.A. feedback - Woodman 10/5/02	That must be the most boring song that Roger Whittaker has ever made.
Paul Bedingfield - unkind aside to Bryn - Kieran Halpin at the Woodman 10/5/02	Kieran Halpin: This is one of my four optimistic songs Paul: Hey, Bryn, that's three more than you've got
Rod Penlington, (MC at Upton Folk Festival 2002), introducing Sarah Jones	We will give her a minute or two to get upset; I mean set up......
Ian Munro, Introducing Jez Cope's second session of the night	Let's have a warm hand for a young man who has only played here once before ..... and that was tonight.
John Wormald - Part of a rambling introduction, Woodman, 12/4/02	This guitar has only got four strings. It's not that I'm a Yorkshireman, it's supposed to; it's actually called a tenor guitar. Not that it only cost a tenner, mind you, in fact .....
Trevor Durden, heckling Barry Priest - Woodman, 12/4/02	Barry: (Putting his words on the music stand) When you haven't sung a song for a long time, it always pays to have a crutch... Trevor: I've always found it depends on how you're sitting
Ian Munro, Woodman 5/4/02	I haven't played this one since the last time I played it...
Bryn Phillips, Woodman 1/3/02	This is a song called Chico Mendes. It's about a guy called Chico Mendes ......
Bill Jones, Woodman 22/2/02	I first came here in May 2000. You were the first folk club to pay me a decent fee.
Trevor Durden, heckling Ian Munro introducing the BICA Band's new song Woodman 15/2/02	Ian: "This is a new one; we can't keep playing the same old rubbish" Trevor: Is this new rubbish then?
Bob Fox, Woodman, 25/1/02	I really liked the job as a long distance lorry driver. In fact it was a bit like this one, except I didn't have to sing when I got there.
Ian Munro, filling in time on stage, whilst being heckled by Paul Bedingfield 4/1/02	Ian: "I didn't think I'd get here tonight because I had an appointment at the eye hospital…." Paul: "What was the problem? Couldn't you find it?" Ian: "No, I got there alright, but they didn’t see me for four hours."
Bryn Phillips, referring to Trevor Durden's jumper depicting a skier 4/1/02	Bryn - "Hey Trevor, I didn't know you skied" Trevor-"I don't. In fact I've got a lot of equipment I don't use"
Derry Jones, Heckling Brian Oldham Woodman 30/11/01	Brian - Trying to tune guitar, whilst Ian is fiddling with the sound system "Hey, Ian, you'd think there'd be some gizmo in there to compensate for out of tune strings" Derry: "It's called Guinness"
Joe Stead, Woodman 23/11/01	Responding to Paul's attempt at heckling him "There's a man with an Achilles Head"
Maggie Brown - Mis-heard Intro PTA Concert, 17/11/01	Barry: Introducing We'll Rise Again "This is a song about re-incarnation" Maggie: "What did he say? A song about a green carnation?"
Paul Bedingfield, Heckling Bluesman John - Singers Night 16/11/01	John: holding his Cuatro, which looks a bit like a ukulele "I'd like to do a little number called ...." Paul: ".....When I'm Cleaning Windows"
Mick Harrington Woodman 16/11/01	"..... this story goes on and on and I wouldn't want to bore you - not when playing the banjo is an alternative."
Ann Munro Woodman 16/11/01	I shake my eggs to perfection
Ian Munro on stage with BICA Band Woodman 9/11/01	"Forget about the sound engineers who work with the big-name artists - we've got Derry!" Spontaneous applause from audience "Mind you, he doesn't seem to know where each one of us is on the mixer"
Cheryl Beer Woodman - 2/11/01	You can be a big fish in a small pond or a little fish in a big pond. It doesn't matter - the important thing is to keep swimming.
Barry Priest Winding up the night 26/10/01	Thanks to everyone. Nice to see some new faces and some old faces I've never seen before.
Derry Jones Heckling Emily Slade 5/10/01	Emily Slade: This is a song about two virtuous maidens. There aren't many of those about nowadays. Derry: Well not round here, anyway.
John Kirkpatrick Woodman - 21/9/01	That Harrington's shouting out from the back again..... Do you let him in every week?
Trevor Durden Heckling Bluesman John 14/9/01	John (re his guitar): It got stuck in the door tonight and I need to tune it Trevor: What?! The door?
Maggie Brown Heckling Roger 14/9/01	Roger: I've got a little ditty.... Maggie: I bet you wish you had a big one!
Steve Walker Heckling Mick Harrington Woodman 14/9/01	Mick: (re his second banjo) This is a most unusual instrument Steve: Why? Is it in tune?
Martyn Wyndham-Read Woodman, 20/7/01	Following the sound of smashing glass "Well, there's someone who can't hold his drink"
Martyn Wyndham-Read Woodman, 20/7/01	re: the way some of the audience had been waving outsized felt hands on bamboo canes during Bryn's "Throckmorton Coat" which referred to "hands chapped sore" "I've decided against singing Cock of the North"
Ian Munro Woodman, 6/7/01	After completing a song almost note perfect: There are two chords in there. I'm not sure what they are without looking them up....
Mick Harrington Woodman, 6/7/01	I had this note from Christine .... "You must play your banjo".....hang on, I've misread it, it says ....... "Play your banjo if you must"
Vikki Clayton Woodman, 29/6/01	Forgive me, I might be saying this rather a lot tonight - This song is taken from my latest album (fluttering of eyelashes)
Paul Bedingfield Woodman, 15/6/01	What's the point of taking life seriously? You live, you die, and then it's over. Might as well enjoy it while you're here.
Pete Morton Woodman, 8/6/01	I've had two requests for this song. One to sing it ..............and one not to sing it.
Ian Munro & Trevor Durden Ian, discussing the outcome of the first song of the evening, Woodman 8/6/01	Ian: ....."That seemed to go alright" Trevor: "It's the best one tonight"
Derek Brimstone Woodman, 25/5/01	This song's got two verses In the trade we call it a two-verser.
Pete Brown Heckling Lee Collinson, Woodman 18/5/01	Lee: This is a slow air ................. Pete: .......... Is a slow 'are the same as a rabbit?
Trevor Durden Heckling Lee Collinson, Woodman 18/5/01	Lee (Who had been eating a sweet for the first few songs) I've got this sweet I need to get rid of...... Trevor.......Is it a Tune?
Paul Bedingfield Woodman 4/5/01	from Paul on stage to new performer at the club "Is your name Steve? Steve."
Kate Woodman 27/4/01	Re Peter Knight's violin playing................. It sounds like that violin has 10 strings .....................and that was during the tuning up
Peter Knight Woodman 27/4/01	(re his next musical piece) I'll have a rummage and see if anything pops out
Paul Bedingfield Woodman 21/4/01 Heckling Bryn's introduction to Barbara Allen	Bryn - This is a song we used to sing at primary school .... Paul - Whatever the song is, it must be traditional by now.
Ruth (Risky Business) Woodman 23/3/01	I'm all excited now - I was thinking of my Mum and potato peelers
Karen Hares 16/3/01 On stage at the Woodman holding up illustrated pages for the chorus of Bryn's "Bluesman" Song	"What happens if I drop them?"
Malcolm Jeffrey 16/3/01 Introducing his feature night (after photographing the audience waving at him)	I've got some bad news and some badder news. The bad news is that I've got a cold coming on. The badder news is that it hasn't come along quickly enough to save you.
Ian Munro 2/3/01 After the first performance from the Crag Band for 3 months ……	And another big hand for …………. ………………………….Nothing to Prove
Elli Bedingfield (Paul's Mum) Woodman 2/3/01	Paul started talking when he was nine months old and hasn't stopped since.
Barry & Corinne On stage at the Woodman 2/2/01	Barry (to audience): If you want to join in on the singing with this one you'll have to tighten your underpants. Corinne: What if you haven't got any on?
Clive Carroll (Commenting on the demands on his time made by his 18 month child - Woodman 26/1/01)	Nowadays the only chance I get to practise is at gigs. (At which point several aspiring guitarists and banjo players were seen to be crying into their beer)
Ian Bruce (Commenting on the BICA Band's rendition of Jimmy Come Solo - Woodman 8/12/00)	It's really nice when I hear other people singing my songs; even when they're sung like that. (Only joking! Later he told them to keep singing it.)
Ian Munro (to Maartin Allcock who performed with Kieran Halpin - Woodman 1/12/00)	Oh, Sorry - I didn't realise you were part of the act; I thought you were Kieran's roadie.
Mick Harrington (Tuning his banjo - Woodman 1/12/00)	Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist.
Ian Goodsman (Woodman 7/7/00)	My mother must have wanted me to play the blues when she named me Ian. My wife has kindly pointed out that an anagram of Ian Goodsman is "A Moaning Sod".
Harvey Andrews (Woodman 23/6/00)	Making choices is all about deciding which of the things you don't need you want the least.
Mick Harrington (Woodman 16/6/00)	This is a medley, but you probably won't notice because it's so seamless.
Derek Brimstone (Woodman, 16/6/00)	They say that if you condense your life into the seasons of the year, then Spring is your childhood, Summer is your youth, Autumn is your middle age and Winter is your old age ............I'm Oct 28th myself.
Mick Harrington	This is coming over a bit too slick. Do you think I'm over-rehearsed?
Keith Hancock (re Woodman Backdrop)	Playing at the Woodman is like playing on a Viking Longboat
Maggie Brown (re Ann Munro's Bohdran playing)	Play your drum with attitude!
Corinne Priest	I've got a real treat for you tonight ......
Medium Paul	Shall I tell the frog joke?
Ian Munro (On a forthcoming club guest)	She's young and female - what more can I say?
Pete Brown (At a Richard Thompson Concert)	More! More! Play the one we like!